Relative Joy

If there’s a peeve that’s on my list, it’s having to deal with those pesky telemarketers.

Yes my friends, this include those from banks and various areas of commerce. When you’re in the middle of seeing patients or a meeting and some idiot decides to call and the number is not in your contact list or is unfamiliar, I’m 99% sure that it’s one of those telemarketers.

Some people tell me that I shouldn’t be rude to them.  After all, they are just doing their job.  I say, bleh! In the first place, their calling me without asking me if it’s a good time to call and to identify themselves first before they call is already trespassing on my privacy. And yes, it is good manners and right conduct to text before you call.  Then there is the argument that if they text first, no one will want to take the call.  That’s called etiquette!

In the second place, your encroaching on my privacy meant that you were rude first.  Even if you are some high ranking official, GMRC dictates that you respect other peoples privacy.  But wait a minute – WHERE THE F DID YOU GET MY MOBILE NUMBER?!?!

I am sure there are days that you’re up to your wits in blocking so many unnecessary phone numbers. While my phone allows that feature, and I have literally blocked hundreds of numbers already, they are like gremlins that multiply!

And so, out of being just a plain bitch, and to get back at these low life telemarketers, here are a few responses you can engage them with:

1. First, you have to tell me what kind of underwear you’re wearing…

2.  Sorry, I’m really busy now.  If you can give me your home number, I’ll call you back tonight.

3.  (In a whispering tone) TUMAHIMIK KA! SANDALI LANG.  NAGNANAKAW AKO NGAYON.  KAUUWI LANG NG MAY-ARI. PLEASE HOLD!  [Quiet!!! Hold on.  I’m robbing a house now.  I think the owners just got home.  Please hold!]

4.  Pretend you don’t speak English or Tagalog.

5.  Burst into tears when money is mentioned.

6.  Tell them that you’ll accept the offer or change your plan or upgrade your status if they can guess the colour and make of your underwear.

7.  Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.

8.  When someone asks you if your spouse or father or whoever is at home, answer: YES! BUT I NEVER ALLOW HIM/HER TO TALK TO STRANGERS!

9.  When someone asks you how you are, answer: WELL I’M HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS AT THE MOMENT. LET ME EXPLAIN…

10. To a phone company solicitor (read PLDT), answer: THAT SOUNDS GREAT! WAIT! CAN YOU HOLD FOR A MINUTE? (Leave the phone off the hook until he or she hangs up…)

Or just HANG UP THE PHONE! But it’s always fun to engage these lowlife with a dose of their own medicine.

Sometimes, however, there are those that take the bait. Score ONE for them…