sarcasm

The comeback lines

kidatheartLeave a comment

Getting even doesn’t do justice when you’re at a verbal tiff with a troll, or an imbecile.  Here are some great comeback lines  (I’d like to think they are intelligent insults) that you might find useful in your day to day musings and encounters with the people still fighting a lost cause (you get what I mean).

  • OH. MY. GOD! IT SPOKE!!!
  • I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
  • Who pissed in your breakfast?
  • If I wanted a bitch, I would have bought a dog.
  • I’m sorry…was I supposed to be offended?
  • I would call you a retard but that would be insulting to retards.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • I would like to see things from your point of view.  But I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
  • You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
  • I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that!
  • I’d slap you, but that would be cruelty to animals.
  • It’s pointless to make fun of you because it will take you the rest of the day or your lifetime to figure it out.
  • Awwww…it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
  • Who let you out of your cage?
  • Somewhere out there, is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe!!! I think you owe it an apology!
  • Too bad your personality doesn’t match your face. 
  • It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote.
  • I’m sorry for hurting your feelings.  But I already thought you knew you were stupid.  Stupid.
  • 10,000,000 sperms and you were the fastest? Really?!
  • If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart!
  • Why don’t you check eBay or Lazada? Maybe they have a life for sale!
  • If I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I’d get change!
  • You only annoy me when you breathe!
  • Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick!
  • It’s kinda sad watching you attempt to fit your entire vocabulary into a sentence!
  • You fear success?!?! Dude, then you’ve really nothing to worry about!
  • Go ahead! Keep rolling your eyes!! Maybe you’ll find a brain back there!
  • I’m busy! You’re ugly! Have a nice day!
  • I neither have the time, nor the crayons to explain this to you!
  • The last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana!
  • Go ahead. Shock me! Say something intelligent!
  • You bring everyone a lot of joy when you leave the room!
  • You’re the reason why the gene pool needs a lifeguard!
  • You are living proof that God has a sense of humour!img_5912

Here’s what I’d say…

kidatheart1 Comment

If there’s a peeve that’s on my list, it’s having to deal with those pesky telemarketers.

Yes my friends, this include those from banks and various areas of commerce. When you’re in the middle of seeing patients or a meeting and some idiot decides to call and the number is not in your contact list or is unfamiliar, I’m 99% sure that it’s one of those telemarketers.

Some people tell me that I shouldn’t be rude to them.  After all, they are just doing their job.  I say, bleh! In the first place, their calling me without asking me if it’s a good time to call and to identify themselves first before they call is already trespassing on my privacy. And yes, it is good manners and right conduct to text before you call.  Then there is the argument that if they text first, no one will want to take the call.  That’s called etiquette!

In the second place, your encroaching on my privacy meant that you were rude first.  Even if you are some high ranking official, GMRC dictates that you respect other peoples privacy.  But wait a minute – WHERE THE F DID YOU GET MY MOBILE NUMBER?!?!

I am sure there are days that you’re up to your wits in blocking so many unnecessary phone numbers. While my phone allows that feature, and I have literally blocked hundreds of numbers already, they are like gremlins that multiply!

And so, out of being just a plain bitch, and to get back at these low life telemarketers, here are a few responses you can engage them with:

  1. First, you have to tell me what kind of underwear you’re wearing…

2.  Sorry, I’m really busy now.  If you can give me your home number, I’ll call you back tonight.

3.  (In a whispering tone) TUMAHIMIK KA! SANDALI LANG.  NAGNANAKAW AKO NGAYON.  KAUUWI LANG NG MAY-ARI. PLEASE HOLD!  [Quiet!!! Hold on.  I’m robbing a house now.  I think the owners just got home.  Please hold!]

4.  Pretend you don’t speak English or Tagalog.

5.  Burst into tears when money is mentioned.

6.  Tell them that you’ll accept the offer or change your plan or upgrade your status if they can guess the colour and make of your underwear.

7.  Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.

8.  When someone asks you if your spouse or father or whoever is at home, answer: YES! BUT I NEVER ALLOW HIM/HER TO TALK TO STRANGERS!

9.  When someone asks you how you are, answer: WELL I’M HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS AT THE MOMENT. LET ME EXPLAIN…

10. To a phone company solicitor (read PLDT), answer: THAT SOUNDS GREAT! WAIT! CAN YOU HOLD FOR A MINUTE? (Leave the phone off the hook until he or she hangs up…)

Or just HANG UP THE PHONE! But it’s always fun to engage these lowlife with a dose of their own medicine.

Sometimes, however, there are those that take the bait. Score ONE for them…Unknown

Tips para magkasya ang P10k/month para isang pamilya (maaaring may savings pa!)

kidatheart1 Comment

(First, let me apologize to my foreign readers that I have to write this in the Filipino vernacular. It is, after all, the latest issue in our country. Second is a background regarding why this is even a topic that’s being jeered or cheered is that allegedly, an undersecretary of the National Economic Development Authority [NEDA] had suggested that a Filipino family of five living in the Philippines can actually live off P10,000 a month. That’s $190.50 a month or $6.35 a day! Of that amount, P3,500 is appropriated for food. That’s $67 a month to feed 5 mouths or $2.25 a day for a family of 5. Of course anyone will actually consider that this kind of thinking is doable is a looney bag. But is it doable? Here’s the take that I’m actually borrowing from the Internet! Share if you wish. Your feedback is always appreciated.)

1. Kapag mag ulam ng instant noodles, dagdagan ng dalawang tabo na sabaw. 😃

2. Isang latang sardinas + isang tabong tubig + reta retasong pechay o repolyo na maaaring mapulot sa palengke. 😂

3. Huwag mamasahe. Maglakad ka mula Cavite hanggang Quezon City. 🚶‍♀️

4. Ugaliing may stock ng paracetamol. Kahit yata cancer, kayang gamutin yan. 😂

5. Ang isang diaper ni baby at lolo o lola ay maaaring labhan ng dalawampung beses at isampay. 🍼

6. Ulo ng tuyo sa umaga at yung buntot itabi para sa pananghalian. 🤣

7. Ugaliing may nakaipit na tuyo o sapsap sa pitaka. ☹️

8. Mag stock ng instant pansit canton para kung sakaling may darating na espesyal na bisita (halimbawa, Mayor o Congressman). 😂

9. Huwag gumamit ng kuryente o LPG. Balik muna sa gasera at panggatong. 😈

10. Siguraduhing may isang garapon ng asin sa bahay. 😜

Not today, f*cker

kidatheartLeave a comment

And yes I curse.

It’s part of my nature. And yours as well. Well, yeah. We can argue that we should choose more “appropriate” words. True. But there will be days that I (or you) won’t give a fuck.

If there’s one book I’d encourage everyone to get, it’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson. It’s not your everyday feel good, be nice kind of book. It’s an in-your-face book that makes you look at life the way we should.

I enjoyed the description of entitled people. The kind of people I loathe. Mason describes fictionally, Jimmy, an entitled SOB. “Jimmy…feels as though he deserves good things without actually earning them. He believes he should be able to be rich without actually working for it. He believes he should be liked and well-connected without actually helping anyone. He believes he should have an amazing lifestyle without actually sacrificing anything.”

“People like Jimmy become so fixated on feeling good about themselves that they manage to delude themselves into believing that they are accomplishing great things even when they’re not…”

“Entitled people exude a delusional degree of self-confidence…but the problem with entitlement is that it makes people need to feel good about themselves all the time, even at the expense of those around them. And because entitled people always need to feel good about themselves, they end up spending most of their time thinking about themselves. After all, it takes a lot of energy and work to convince yourself that your shit doesn’t stink, especially when you’ve been living in a toilet.”

“…People who feel entitled view every occurrence in their life as either an affirmation of, or a threat to, their own greatness. If something good happens to them, it’s because of some amazing feat they accomplished. If something bad happens to them, it’s because somebody is jealous and trying to bring them down a notch. People who are entitled delude themselves into whatever feeds their sense of superiority. They keep their mental facade standing at all costs, even if it sometimes requires being physically or emotionally abusive to those around them.”

Entitled is not happiness.

Today, learn to say NO to those feeling entitled around you.

You’ll do yourself and others a favor in making the world a better place by saying f*ck sh*t to them.