Month: June 2018

The moral of the story

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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: GET THEIR PARENTS TO TELL THEM A STORY WITH A MORAL AT THE END OF IT.

The following day, the kids came back and began to tell their stories…

Susie said, “We live in a farm and I was collecting eggs from the hen house one day.  I gathered the eggs, put them in my basket and ran towards the house.  While running, I tripped over a rock and smashed all of the eggs.”

“So what’s the moral of the story Susie?”, asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket”, answered Susie.

Next, it was Ricky’s turn to go.

“We also live on a farm,” said Ricky.  “We have incubators to help our eggs hatch.  One night there was a thunderstorm and lightning knocked out the power to the incubators.”

“So what’s the moral of that story Ricky?”, asked the teacher.

“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch,” said Ricky.

The teacher then turned to Janice.  “Janice, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am.  My daddy told me a story about mommy.  She was a marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break.  Then her parachute landed in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.  She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets.  Then she killed four more with with knife till the blade broke and then killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

“Good heavens!,” said the horrified teacher.  “What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“He said, don’t mess with mommy when she’s been drinking!”

The lie detector

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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.

The man decides to try it out at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son.

Son: Okay! I was at my friends house watching DVD!

Dad: What’s the title of the movie?

Son: Kung Fu Panda

The robot slaps the son again.

Son: Okay! It was a XXX rated sex film!

Dad: What!!? When I was your age I didn’t even know what an erotic or X rated movie was.

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: Hahahaha!!! He is YOUR SON after all!!! Hahahaha!!!

The robot slaps the mom.

Politics explained

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Father and son were having a conversation.

Son (S): Dad, I have a special report I have to do for school. Can I ask you a question?

Dad (D): Sure son. What’s that question?

S: What is politics?

D: Well, let’s take our home for example. I’m the wage earner so let’s call me ‘capitalism’. Your mom is the administrator of the money, so let’s call her ‘government’. We take care of you and your older sister and both your needs, so let’s call them ‘people’. The maid represents the ‘working class’. Your baby brother, let’s call him “the future”. Do you understand now son?

S: I’m not really sure dad. Let me think about it.

That night, awakened by the crying of his baby brother, the boy went to see what was wrong. When he entered the room, he could smell that his baby brother had completely soiled his diaper. So he went quietly to his parents room but found his mom sound asleep. He then went to the maid’s room. Peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father having sex with the maid. He knocked on the door and knocked on the door. But his father and the maid didn’t mind the knocking. So he returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning, he saw his father at the breakfast table.

S: Dad! Now I think I understand what politics is!!!

D: Good job son! So now, can you explain it to me in your own words?

S: Well dad, while capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep, the people are being completely ignored, and the future is full of shit!

Gifted child

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.  One day, she asked Juan what his problem was.  He replied, “I’m too smart for the first grade.  My sister is in grade 3 and I’m smarter than her too!”

The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation.

The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test.  If he failed to answer one question, then he would have to stay in the first grade and be quiet.

The teacher told Juan, and both Juan and the teacher agreed.

Principal (P): What is 3 x 3?

Juan (J): 9

P: 6 x 6

J: 36

P: The square root of 144?

J: 12

And so it went on like this.  The principal would ask Juan every question a third grader should know.  Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher, “I see no reason why Juan can’t go to the third grade.  He answered all my questions correctly!”

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions.  The principal and Juan agree.

Teacher (T): What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?

J: Legs

T: What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering, Juan replies.

J: Pockets

T: What does a dog to that a man steps into?

J: Pants

T: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?

J: Firetruck!

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says: “Put Juan in the fifth grade.  I got the last four questions wrong myself!”

The story of creation

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God created the dog and said, “sit by the door of your house and bark at everyone who comes in or walks by. I will give you a life span of 20 years.”

The dog replied, “that’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I give you back the other ten?”

And God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said, “entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I give you a life span of 20 years.”

The monkey said, “monkey tricks for 20 years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back the ten like the dog did?”

And God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said, “you must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this I will give you a life span of 60 years!”

The cow said, “that’s a tough life you want for me for 60 years. How about 20 and I’ll give you back the other 40?”

And God agreed.

Then God created man.

“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life! For this I will give you 20 years life span.”

But man said, “only 20? How can I possibly enjoy life with only 20 years? Give me my twenty, and I will take the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the money returned and the 10 the dog gave up. That makes 80!”

And God, in all his grace and kindness agreed.

So my children, that is why for our first 20 years, we sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren. And for the last 10 years, we sit by the door and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Viagra

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An elderly woman visited her doctor to seek advice regarding the fading libido of her husband who’s turning 79.

Doctor (D): What about trying Viagra?

Woman (W): Not a chance! He won’t even take an aspirin.

D: Not a problem. Give him an Irish Viagra.

W: What is that?

D: You crush finely the Viagra tablet, mix it well with his coffee and add a tad of sugar. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and give me a call in a week to let me know how things went.

A week later, she called the doctor to let him know how things went.

W: Oh faith beJaysus and beGorrah!! It was horrible! Just terrible doctor!

D: Really? What happened?!?

W: I did as you told me. Slipped that Viagra in his coffee and the effect was immediate! He jumped straight at me with a twinkle in his eyes. With one swoop he sent cups and tablecloth flying! He tore up my clothes to tatters and made love to me right there on the table. It was a nightmare! I tell you, an absolute nightmare!!!

D: Why so terrible? Do you mean it wasn’t good?

W: It was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years. But sure as I’m sitting here, I’ll never be able to show my face at Starbucks ever again!

Dark humor

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(The content of this page may not be suitable to a younger audience or a moron.)

1. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs. 😈

2. Patient: Doctor, I’m so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too. 😈

3. What’s the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man?

The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out. 😈

4. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” are the same thing. Except at a funeral. 😈

5. Mr. de la Cruz gets a call from the hospital. They tell him that his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER, and looks for his wife. The staff tell him that Dr. Juan is handling the case. After paging the doctor, Dr. Juan comes down to meet with Mr de la Cruz in the waiting room. Seeing how distraught the husband was, the doctor starts off the conversation.

D: Mr de la Cruz?

M: Yes doctor. What happened? How’s my wife?

D: I have good news and bad news. Let me start off the with bad news. Your wife’s accident resulted in the fracture of her spine.

M: Oh my God! Will she ever recover?

D: Well, her fracture was severe and an operation would be very risky. She has no motor function at all. You’ll have to feed her and turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.

(Mr. de la Cruz sobs desperately and begins to wail at this point.)

D: Then of course, you’ll have to change her diapers frequently as she has no control over her bladder.

(Mr. de la Cruz begins to shake while sobbing and wailing more.)

D: You’ll have to clean her feces regularly as she has no control of her sphincter. And you’ll have to clean her immediately to prevent bed sores and infection.

(Mr. de la Cruz is now shaking uncontrollably and beginning to writhe off the bench in a pitiful mess.)

And then the doctor reaches out his hand and pats the shoulder of Mr. de la Cruz and says:

D: I have some good news.

M: What could possibly be good about this?!?

D: I’m just f*cking with you. She’s dead. 😈

The love dress

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A woman stops by unannounced at her son’s house. She knocks on the door and walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying totally naked on the couch! There was soft music playing, candles lit, and perfume permeating the room.

“What are you doing?”, she asks.

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter explains.

“But you’re naked!”, the mother-in-law exclaims.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law remarks.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”, the mother-in-law replies back.

“Jeff loves it when I wear this dress. He wants me to wear this as it excites him to no end. Each time he sees me in this dress, he instantly gets romantic and can’t enough of me”, the daughter-in-law replied.

The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.

When she gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on the best perfume, dims the lights, puts on romantic music, and lays on the couch – naked – expectantly waiting for her husband. Finally, her husband comes home, walks in, and sees her lying provocatively.

“What are you doing?”, he asks.

“This is my love dress”, she whispers sensually.

“Needs ironing!”, he replies. “What’s for dinner?”

He never heard the gunshot.

The vagina

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A woman hears a knock at her front door. When she opens the door, she sees a man who looked stoically at her and then asks:

Do you have a vagina?

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question to the woman.

Do you have a vagina?

She slams the door again.

Later that night, when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I’m taking tomorrow off just in case this guy shows up again.”

The next day they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen. If it’s the same guy, I want you to answer YES to the question because I want to see where this bastard is going with this.”

She nods yes to her husband, opens the door, and sure enough it’s the same fellow standing there. And he asks the same question:

Do you have a vagina?

“Yes, actually I have”, the woman replies.

The man retorts, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”

The senior citizens

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Jim leaned over and asked his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind that farm where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you right there and then.”

She replied, “Yes, I remember it well.”

Jim asked, “How about taking a stroll around there and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

His wife, with a twinkle in her eyes, said, “Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A policeman was sitting in the next booth in the tavern bar and heard their conversation.  He was chuckling to himself and thinks to himself, “I’ve got to see these two senior citizens going at it. [After all, they’re almost 80 by now]. I’ll keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.” And so, he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking canes.

Finally, they get to the back of the farm and lean up against the fence.  When the policeman takes a peek at the “action”, he sees that both erupt into the most furious love making he has ever seen.  This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and screaming!! Finally, they both collapse, panting to the ground.

The policeman is amazed! He thinks that he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet, stagger to put their clothes back on and seemed shaken up.  The policeman, still watching, thinks to himself, “This is truly amazing.  I’ve got to ask them what their secret is!”

So as the couple get up and walk pass the policeman, the police officer says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else.  I couldn’t help but notice the two of you making out at the fence over there. You must have had a fantastic sex life together! Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply.

“Fifty years ago, that wasn’t an electric fence.”