laughter

The visit to the gynecologist

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My friend was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.  Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor’s office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 930AM.  She has only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already 845AM.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn’t have time to spare.  As most women do she took a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

She rushed upstairs, threw off her pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave herself a quick wash in the vaginal area to make sure she was at least presentable.  She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment.

She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes and then was called in.  Knowing the procedure, she hopped up on the examining table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or in some other place a million miles while being examined.

She was a bit surprised when the doctor said, “My we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?”.  She was baffled but didn’t respond.

After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home.  The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning and cooking. After school when her 6 years old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

She told her to get another one from the cabinet.

Her daughter replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink.  It has all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it!”

NEVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR AGAIN….NEVER!

The flight of the nun

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A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me.”

She went over to the machine, stepped on the scale and put a quarter in. Out came a card that read, “You are a nun.  You weight 128 pounds, and you are going to Chicago.”

The nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone.  The more she thought about it, the more curious she got.  She kept staring back at the weight machine.  She then decided to try it again.  She went back to the machine and inserted another quarter.  Out came a card that read: “You are a nun.  You weight 128 pounds.  You are going to Chicago.  And you’re going to play a fiddle.”

The nun says to herself, “I know that is wrong.  I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.” Then sat back down at the boarding area.

From out of nowhere a man came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them.  Without thinking, she opened the man’s case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine thinking, “this is incredible! I’ve got to try this again.”

Back to the machine she went, put in another quarter, and another card came out.  It read, “You are a nun.  You weight 128 pounds. You are going to Chicago and you’re going to ‘break wind’.” Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself, “I’ve never broken wind in public a single time in my life!”

While getting off the machine, she slipped.  And as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.  She said to herself, “This is truly remarkable.  I’ve got to try this again.”

After a couple of minutes, she went back to the machine, put in another quarter, and another card came out.  “You are a nun.  You weight 128 pounds.  You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.”

The nun @Hooters

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A nun badly needed to use the restroom, and the only place open along the street was a local Hooters.  The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while, the “lights would turn off”.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revellers saw the nun come in, the room went dead silent.  She walked up to the bartender and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “Sure! But I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.  So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. And all eyes in the room were in her direction.

After a few minutes, the nun came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a LOUD ROUND OF APPLAUSE!!!

She went to the bartender and asked, “Sir, I don’t understand.  Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know that you’re one of us”, said the bartender, “would you like a drink?”

“No thank you, but I still don’t understand, ” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “each time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”

Viagra

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An elderly woman visited her doctor to seek advice regarding the fading libido of her husband who’s turning 79.

Doctor (D): What about trying Viagra?

Woman (W): Not a chance! He won’t even take an aspirin.

D: Not a problem. Give him an Irish Viagra.

W: What is that?

D: You crush finely the Viagra tablet, mix it well with his coffee and add a tad of sugar. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and give me a call in a week to let me know how things went.

A week later, she called the doctor to let him know how things went.

W: Oh faith beJaysus and beGorrah!! It was horrible! Just terrible doctor!

D: Really? What happened?!?

W: I did as you told me. Slipped that Viagra in his coffee and the effect was immediate! He jumped straight at me with a twinkle in his eyes. With one swoop he sent cups and tablecloth flying! He tore up my clothes to tatters and made love to me right there on the table. It was a nightmare! I tell you, an absolute nightmare!!!

D: Why so terrible? Do you mean it wasn’t good?

W: It was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years. But sure as I’m sitting here, I’ll never be able to show my face at Starbucks ever again!

Dark humor

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(The content of this page may not be suitable to a younger audience or a moron.)

1. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs. 😈

2. Patient: Doctor, I’m so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too. 😈

3. What’s the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man?

The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out. 😈

4. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” are the same thing. Except at a funeral. 😈

5. Mr. de la Cruz gets a call from the hospital. They tell him that his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER, and looks for his wife. The staff tell him that Dr. Juan is handling the case. After paging the doctor, Dr. Juan comes down to meet with Mr de la Cruz in the waiting room. Seeing how distraught the husband was, the doctor starts off the conversation.

D: Mr de la Cruz?

M: Yes doctor. What happened? How’s my wife?

D: I have good news and bad news. Let me start off the with bad news. Your wife’s accident resulted in the fracture of her spine.

M: Oh my God! Will she ever recover?

D: Well, her fracture was severe and an operation would be very risky. She has no motor function at all. You’ll have to feed her and turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.

(Mr. de la Cruz sobs desperately and begins to wail at this point.)

D: Then of course, you’ll have to change her diapers frequently as she has no control over her bladder.

(Mr. de la Cruz begins to shake while sobbing and wailing more.)

D: You’ll have to clean her feces regularly as she has no control of her sphincter. And you’ll have to clean her immediately to prevent bed sores and infection.

(Mr. de la Cruz is now shaking uncontrollably and beginning to writhe off the bench in a pitiful mess.)

And then the doctor reaches out his hand and pats the shoulder of Mr. de la Cruz and says:

D: I have some good news.

M: What could possibly be good about this?!?

D: I’m just f*cking with you. She’s dead. 😈

The love dress

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A woman stops by unannounced at her son’s house. She knocks on the door and walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying totally naked on the couch! There was soft music playing, candles lit, and perfume permeating the room.

“What are you doing?”, she asks.

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter explains.

“But you’re naked!”, the mother-in-law exclaims.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law remarks.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”, the mother-in-law replies back.

“Jeff loves it when I wear this dress. He wants me to wear this as it excites him to no end. Each time he sees me in this dress, he instantly gets romantic and can’t enough of me”, the daughter-in-law replied.

The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.

When she gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on the best perfume, dims the lights, puts on romantic music, and lays on the couch – naked – expectantly waiting for her husband. Finally, her husband comes home, walks in, and sees her lying provocatively.

“What are you doing?”, he asks.

“This is my love dress”, she whispers sensually.

“Needs ironing!”, he replies. “What’s for dinner?”

He never heard the gunshot.

The vagina

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A woman hears a knock at her front door. When she opens the door, she sees a man who looked stoically at her and then asks:

Do you have a vagina?

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question to the woman.

Do you have a vagina?

She slams the door again.

Later that night, when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I’m taking tomorrow off just in case this guy shows up again.”

The next day they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen. If it’s the same guy, I want you to answer YES to the question because I want to see where this bastard is going with this.”

She nods yes to her husband, opens the door, and sure enough it’s the same fellow standing there. And he asks the same question:

Do you have a vagina?

“Yes, actually I have”, the woman replies.

The man retorts, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”

The senior citizens

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Jim leaned over and asked his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind that farm where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you right there and then.”

She replied, “Yes, I remember it well.”

Jim asked, “How about taking a stroll around there and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

His wife, with a twinkle in her eyes, said, “Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A policeman was sitting in the next booth in the tavern bar and heard their conversation.  He was chuckling to himself and thinks to himself, “I’ve got to see these two senior citizens going at it. [After all, they’re almost 80 by now]. I’ll keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.” And so, he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking canes.

Finally, they get to the back of the farm and lean up against the fence.  When the policeman takes a peek at the “action”, he sees that both erupt into the most furious love making he has ever seen.  This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and screaming!! Finally, they both collapse, panting to the ground.

The policeman is amazed! He thinks that he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet, stagger to put their clothes back on and seemed shaken up.  The policeman, still watching, thinks to himself, “This is truly amazing.  I’ve got to ask them what their secret is!”

So as the couple get up and walk pass the policeman, the police officer says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else.  I couldn’t help but notice the two of you making out at the fence over there. You must have had a fantastic sex life together! Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply.

“Fifty years ago, that wasn’t an electric fence.”

The maid

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The maid asked for a raise and the wife was upset.

Wife (W): Now Maria, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?

Maria (M): There are three reasons. The first is I cook better than you.

W: Who said that?

M: Your husband.

W: Oh!

M: The second reason is that I am better at raising the kids than you.

W: Who said that?

M: Your husband.

W: Oh!

M: The third reason is that I am better at sex than you!

W: Did my husband say that as well?

M: No. The gardener did.

W: So how much do you want?

The plane crash

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A chartered flight was making a descent towards Washington DC and was carrying some important passengers on board.

There were four passengers who were on plane. As it approached the airport, the engines conked out and was going to crash. There were only 3 parachutes on the plane.

The first passenger said, I am James LeBron, a great basketball player. Aside from the fact that my team needs me, millions of my fans will be disappointed if I die early. He grabs a parachute and then jumps.

The second passenger says, I am Donald Trump, the president of the greatest country in the world. I am also the smartest president in American history, so people don’t want me to die. He grabs a parachute and then jumps.

Only the Pope and a young boy were left on the plane.

The Pope looks at the 10 year old boy with love and says, “I am old and don’t have many years left. You are young and still have many years left and dreams ahead. I will sacrifice my life for you. Take the remaining parachute my child.”

The little boy replied back, “that’s okay your Holiness. There’s a parachute left for you. The smart president took my backpack by mistake.” 😂😜😊