humor

The insult

kidatheartLeave a comment

Over ten years ago, I was on the same event as Vice Ganda in Cagayan de Oro.  Vice was the entertainment number in that meeting. As a rule, after my talk, I never stay around for the entertainment portion (if there is any).  Not that I don’t like to mingle with the crowd.  I just frown upon having to have entertainers in a scientific meeting. From what I gathered the day after my talk, the doctors liked (actually loved) my talk.  They were, however, not pleased with the humour of Vice.  They said that it was “insulting” because his jokes were at the expense of the other doctors in the audience.

I did not recognise Vice even when we were one seat apart on the plane from CDO back to Manila.  The person seated beside me told me that Vice (who had an aide in tow) was a rising comedian and was the entertainment portion of the conference last night.  I nodded, looked at Vice who was asleep on his seat.  Then looked away.

Who knew that his kind of humour would catapult him into fame and fortune?  And don’t get me wrong.  I have nothing against his becoming rich and famous.  I actually laud his success.  And this is the point where I say – EVEN IF.  Even if his humour is crass and personal. There are those that are entertained with this kind of humour.

I’m not a fan.

He’s had recent tiffs with the press and people over his remarks.  And he wouldn’t care less.  After all, he’s at the top of the world. Right up there together with all the other comedians of his stature.  Or the likes of Tito, Vic, and Joey.  Self-Deprecating humour peddled to entertain at other peoples expense.

His recent catty remarks and political overtones on his shows have been done in bad taste. While there is a thin line between entertainment and sensibility, that line is crossed when humour becomes insulting.  Even if it was meant as a joke.

The recent reactions of  various entertainment people like Aga Muhlach, Lea Salonga, Bea Alonzo to name a few, on political matters garnered mixed reactions online.  For obvious reasons, personalities are influential to a certain degree.  Which makes it important that they choose when, what, and how to say it at an appropriate time. And yes, while we live in a democratic country (last I heard we are still a free nation) and there is freedom to express one’s views, the views of someone popular, will matter.

Entertainers enjoy better opportunities than the ordinary Juan. I am sure that they are aware that what they say can affect opinions – whether right or wrong.  You can see their influence in the various commercials they star in.  As endorsers – they have a following. Particularly with the gullible ones who are unable to discern what is true, from what is a marketing gimmick. Advertising is the best medium for brainwashing peoples minds.

Because entertainers have an advantage at media mileage, they should be able to manage their conflicts appropriately.  They need a higher level of discernment when they speak because the political arena is not a studio or a rehearsal for some segment or series on television.  They need to check facts before making statements or comments with an unfounded basis. They are not exempted from this.

While they (or anyone for that matter) can always say that they have the right to freedom of expression just like anyone, the degree of impact on what is said (whether it is right or wrong) is different. After all, what may be meant as an opinion or a joke can end up as an insult. Mean. Trashy.

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

– Mark Twain

If you feel alluded to, remember, think before you open your mouth. It’s a fair reminder that we need to see with our eyes and hear with our ears. Just because you’re on a pedestal does not make you a god.

The visit to the gynecologist

kidatheartLeave a comment

My friend was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.  Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor’s office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 930AM.  She has only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already 845AM.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn’t have time to spare.  As most women do she took a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

She rushed upstairs, threw off her pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave herself a quick wash in the vaginal area to make sure she was at least presentable.  She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment.

She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes and then was called in.  Knowing the procedure, she hopped up on the examining table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or in some other place a million miles while being examined.

She was a bit surprised when the doctor said, “My we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?”.  She was baffled but didn’t respond.

After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home.  The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning and cooking. After school when her 6 years old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

She told her to get another one from the cabinet.

Her daughter replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink.  It has all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it!”

NEVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR AGAIN….NEVER!

The flight of the nun

kidatheartLeave a comment

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me.”

She went over to the machine, stepped on the scale and put a quarter in. Out came a card that read, “You are a nun.  You weight 128 pounds, and you are going to Chicago.”

The nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone.  The more she thought about it, the more curious she got.  She kept staring back at the weight machine.  She then decided to try it again.  She went back to the machine and inserted another quarter.  Out came a card that read: “You are a nun.  You weight 128 pounds.  You are going to Chicago.  And you’re going to play a fiddle.”

The nun says to herself, “I know that is wrong.  I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.” Then sat back down at the boarding area.

From out of nowhere a man came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them.  Without thinking, she opened the man’s case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine thinking, “this is incredible! I’ve got to try this again.”

Back to the machine she went, put in another quarter, and another card came out.  It read, “You are a nun.  You weight 128 pounds. You are going to Chicago and you’re going to ‘break wind’.” Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself, “I’ve never broken wind in public a single time in my life!”

While getting off the machine, she slipped.  And as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.  She said to herself, “This is truly remarkable.  I’ve got to try this again.”

After a couple of minutes, she went back to the machine, put in another quarter, and another card came out.  “You are a nun.  You weight 128 pounds.  You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.”

The nun @Hooters

kidatheartLeave a comment

A nun badly needed to use the restroom, and the only place open along the street was a local Hooters.  The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while, the “lights would turn off”.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revellers saw the nun come in, the room went dead silent.  She walked up to the bartender and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “Sure! But I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.  So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. And all eyes in the room were in her direction.

After a few minutes, the nun came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a LOUD ROUND OF APPLAUSE!!!

She went to the bartender and asked, “Sir, I don’t understand.  Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know that you’re one of us”, said the bartender, “would you like a drink?”

“No thank you, but I still don’t understand, ” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “each time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”

Get the point?!?

kidatheartLeave a comment

An 86 year old man went to his doctor for his semi annual check up.

The doctor asked how he was feeling, and the old man replied, “things are great and I’ve never felt better! I now have a 20 year old wife who is pregnant with my child! What do you think of that doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell him a story.

I have an older friend much like you, who’s an avid hunter and never misses a season when hunting for beavers.

One day, he was setting off to go hunting and accidentally picks up his walking cane instead of his rifle.

As he was approaching near the lake, he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

He realized then that he forgot his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit, he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and shouted, “Bang! Bang!”

At the same time he shouted, miraculously two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

“Now what do you think of that?”, the doctor asked.

The 86 year old man replied, “logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver!”

“My point exactly,” the doctor replied.

The affair

kidatheartLeave a comment

A woman has long suspected her husband of cheating on her. One day she tells him that she’s going out of town for the weekend for a meeting and will be back in three days.

She doesn’t tell her husband what exact day she would return, hoping to catch him in the act of committing adultery.

True enough, she comes home and quietly walks into their bedroom, opens the door and from under the blanket sees four legs cross crossing one another in various positions and grunting from under the cover. In a state of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat of her son and starts hitting the blanket as hard as possible. She hears the screams but she didn’t care. She just kept hitting and hitting until she couldn’t hear screaming anymore.

When she’s done, she puts the bat down and goes down to the kitchen to get a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, drinking beer, reading a magazine with the TV in the kitchen on!

“Hi darling,” he says, “your parents have come over from the province to visit us, so I let them stay in our room! Have you said hello to them?”

The flight

kidatheartLeave a comment

A woman and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.  After making a casual greeting, the lawyer asked if she would like to play a fun game.

The woman, tired, just wanted to take a nap.  She politely declined and rolled over to the window to catch a few winks.  The persistent lawyer explained that the game is easy.  And fun.  “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice-versa.”

She stares at him and says she decline and tries to get some sleep.

After take off, the lawyer gets agitated and says, “okay, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00. AND, if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $500.00!”

This catches the woman’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What is the distance from the Earth to the moon?”

The woman doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.  “Okay”, says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.  No answer.  He taps into the earphone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress.  No answer.  Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail.  After almost two hours into the flight, he wakes the woman and hands her $500.00.

The woman says, “Thank you”, and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who more than a bit miffed, wakes the woman and asks, “well…what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the woman reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Cheater!

kidatheartLeave a comment

Little Johnny watched his father’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.  Curious, he follows the car and sees his father and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, “Mom!! I was at the playground and saw dad’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.  I sneaked to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.  Then Aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…”

At this point his mom cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story.  Let’s save the rest of it for supper time.  I want to see the look on your father’s face when you tell it tonight!’

At the dinner table that evening, mom asked little Johnny to tell his story.  Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and saw dad’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.  I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off.  Then Aunt Jane and daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when daddy was out of town!”

(And that’s when the mom faints)

Moral of the story:

Sometimes you need to shut the f*ck up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

The popsicle

kidatheartLeave a comment

A couple wanted to have sex but their son is in the house.  The only way they pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the house is to send him out on the front lawn with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot”, he shouts.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation!

“An ambulance just drove by…”

“Looks like our neighbours at the corner have company…”, he called out.

“Jose is riding a new bike!…”

“Looks like the old man a block down the road are moving…”

“Peter is on his skateboard…”

After a few moments he announced, “THE GARCIAS ARE HAVING SEX!”

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?”

“Juan Garcia is standing on the lawn of their house with a popsicle!”

The comeback lines

kidatheartLeave a comment

Getting even doesn’t do justice when you’re at a verbal tiff with a troll, or an imbecile.  Here are some great comeback lines  (I’d like to think they are intelligent insults) that you might find useful in your day to day musings and encounters with the people still fighting a lost cause (you get what I mean).

  • OH. MY. GOD! IT SPOKE!!!
  • I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
  • Who pissed in your breakfast?
  • If I wanted a bitch, I would have bought a dog.
  • I’m sorry…was I supposed to be offended?
  • I would call you a retard but that would be insulting to retards.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • I would like to see things from your point of view.  But I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
  • You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
  • I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that!
  • I’d slap you, but that would be cruelty to animals.
  • It’s pointless to make fun of you because it will take you the rest of the day or your lifetime to figure it out.
  • Awwww…it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
  • Who let you out of your cage?
  • Somewhere out there, is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe!!! I think you owe it an apology!
  • Too bad your personality doesn’t match your face. 
  • It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote.
  • I’m sorry for hurting your feelings.  But I already thought you knew you were stupid.  Stupid.
  • 10,000,000 sperms and you were the fastest? Really?!
  • If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart!
  • Why don’t you check eBay or Lazada? Maybe they have a life for sale!
  • If I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I’d get change!
  • You only annoy me when you breathe!
  • Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick!
  • It’s kinda sad watching you attempt to fit your entire vocabulary into a sentence!
  • You fear success?!?! Dude, then you’ve really nothing to worry about!
  • Go ahead! Keep rolling your eyes!! Maybe you’ll find a brain back there!
  • I’m busy! You’re ugly! Have a nice day!
  • I neither have the time, nor the crayons to explain this to you!
  • The last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana!
  • Go ahead. Shock me! Say something intelligent!
  • You bring everyone a lot of joy when you leave the room!
  • You’re the reason why the gene pool needs a lifeguard!
  • You are living proof that God has a sense of humour!img_5912