The tease

My friend, Jason is a very happy person. He and his wonderful girlfriend had been dating for over three years before they decided to get married. There was only one problem that bothered Jason – the beautiful younger sister of his wife-to-be.

His would be sister-in-law was 22, wore tight short skirts, never wore a bra and would often tease and intimately entice Jason whenever he was around. Jason would always feel uneasy especially in those odd moments.

A few weeks before the wedding, the younger sister called Jason and asked him over their house to check the invitations. She was alone in the house and when Jason arrived, whispered to him that she had sexual urges for him and that those desires wouldn’t go away. She told Jason that she wanted to have sex with him before he got married to her sister.

Jason was in total shock and of course nursing a rising erection. He was stunned and stood frozen at the foot of the stairs as he watched her go up the stairs while slowly stripping off her clothes.

In that spur of the moment Jason turned around and rushed through the front door of the house.

After opening the front door, he was surprised to find the entire family of his future in-laws right in front of the lawn, clapping and cheering as he dashed out.

With tears in his eyes, his father-in-law hugged him and said, “we’re very happy that you passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!”

I thought it was such a wonderful story from my friend. Then he asked me, do you know the moral of this story?

I replied, “Love conquers all?”

He said, “Nope! Always keep your condoms in your car…😜

Here’s what I’d say…

If there’s a peeve that’s on my list, it’s having to deal with those pesky telemarketers.

Yes my friends, this include those from banks and various areas of commerce. When you’re in the middle of seeing patients or a meeting and some idiot decides to call and the number is not in your contact list or is unfamiliar, I’m 99% sure that it’s one of those telemarketers.

Some people tell me that I shouldn’t be rude to them.  After all, they are just doing their job.  I say, bleh! In the first place, their calling me without asking me if it’s a good time to call and to identify themselves first before they call is already trespassing on my privacy. And yes, it is good manners and right conduct to text before you call.  Then there is the argument that if they text first, no one will want to take the call.  That’s called etiquette!

In the second place, your encroaching on my privacy meant that you were rude first.  Even if you are some high ranking official, GMRC dictates that you respect other peoples privacy.  But wait a minute – WHERE THE F DID YOU GET MY MOBILE NUMBER?!?!

I am sure there are days that you’re up to your wits in blocking so many unnecessary phone numbers. While my phone allows that feature, and I have literally blocked hundreds of numbers already, they are like gremlins that multiply!

And so, out of being just a plain bitch, and to get back at these low life telemarketers, here are a few responses you can engage them with:

  1. First, you have to tell me what kind of underwear you’re wearing…

2.  Sorry, I’m really busy now.  If you can give me your home number, I’ll call you back tonight.

3.  (In a whispering tone) TUMAHIMIK KA! SANDALI LANG.  NAGNANAKAW AKO NGAYON.  KAUUWI LANG NG MAY-ARI. PLEASE HOLD!  [Quiet!!! Hold on.  I’m robbing a house now.  I think the owners just got home.  Please hold!]

4.  Pretend you don’t speak English or Tagalog.

5.  Burst into tears when money is mentioned.

6.  Tell them that you’ll accept the offer or change your plan or upgrade your status if they can guess the colour and make of your underwear.

7.  Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.

8.  When someone asks you if your spouse or father or whoever is at home, answer: YES! BUT I NEVER ALLOW HIM/HER TO TALK TO STRANGERS!

9.  When someone asks you how you are, answer: WELL I’M HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS AT THE MOMENT. LET ME EXPLAIN…

10. To a phone company solicitor (read PLDT), answer: THAT SOUNDS GREAT! WAIT! CAN YOU HOLD FOR A MINUTE? (Leave the phone off the hook until he or she hangs up…)

Or just HANG UP THE PHONE! But it’s always fun to engage these lowlife with a dose of their own medicine.

Sometimes, however, there are those that take the bait. Score ONE for them…Unknown

Deaf

Alfred feared that his wife Janice was developing problems in hearing. She seemed to not respond the same way as she used to. He thought she may need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach this dilemma, he called his family doctor for advice.

The doctor said that there is an informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about the extent of her hearing loss.

“Stand about 10 meters away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, move to 7.5 meters, 5 meters and 2.5 meters, and so on until you get a response,” the doctor replied.

That evening, the wife was in the kitchen preparing dinner. At 10 meters distance, the husband asks, “Janice what’s for dinner?”

No response.

He moves to 7.5 meters and asks again, “Janice what’s for dinner?”

Still no response.

He now walks to the kitchen door about 5 meters from her and increases the tone a bit and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

There was no reply. And he became worried.

He paces a few feet more and asks again, “Sweetheart, what’s for dinner?”

And he yet doesn’t hear a reply.

Worried, he walks up behind her and asks “Janice, what’s for dinner?”

“DAMN IT ALFRED! FOR THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!!!!”

The lie detector

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.

The man decides to try it out at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son.

Son: Okay! I was at my friends house watching DVD!

Dad: What’s the title of the movie?

Son: Kung Fu Panda

The robot slaps the son again.

Son: Okay! It was a XXX rated sex film!

Dad: What!!? When I was your age I didn’t even know what an erotic or X rated movie was.

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: Hahahaha!!! He is YOUR SON after all!!! Hahahaha!!!

The robot slaps the mom.

Politics explained

Father and son were having a conversation.

Son (S): Dad, I have a special report I have to do for school. Can I ask you a question?

Dad (D): Sure son. What’s that question?

S: What is politics?

D: Well, let’s take our home for example. I’m the wage earner so let’s call me ‘capitalism’. Your mom is the administrator of the money, so let’s call her ‘government’. We take care of you and your older sister and both your needs, so let’s call them ‘people’. The maid represents the ‘working class’. Your baby brother, let’s call him “the future”. Do you understand now son?

S: I’m not really sure dad. Let me think about it.

That night, awakened by the crying of his baby brother, the boy went to see what was wrong. When he entered the room, he could smell that his baby brother had completely soiled his diaper. So he went quietly to his parents room but found his mom sound asleep. He then went to the maid’s room. Peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father having sex with the maid. He knocked on the door and knocked on the door. But his father and the maid didn’t mind the knocking. So he returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning, he saw his father at the breakfast table.

S: Dad! Now I think I understand what politics is!!!

D: Good job son! So now, can you explain it to me in your own words?

S: Well dad, while capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep, the people are being completely ignored, and the future is full of shit!

The story of creation

God created the dog and said, “sit by the door of your house and bark at everyone who comes in or walks by. I will give you a life span of 20 years.”

The dog replied, “that’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I give you back the other ten?”

And God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said, “entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I give you a life span of 20 years.”

The monkey said, “monkey tricks for 20 years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back the ten like the dog did?”

And God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said, “you must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this I will give you a life span of 60 years!”

The cow said, “that’s a tough life you want for me for 60 years. How about 20 and I’ll give you back the other 40?”

And God agreed.

Then God created man.

“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life! For this I will give you 20 years life span.”

But man said, “only 20? How can I possibly enjoy life with only 20 years? Give me my twenty, and I will take the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the money returned and the 10 the dog gave up. That makes 80!”

And God, in all his grace and kindness agreed.

So my children, that is why for our first 20 years, we sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren. And for the last 10 years, we sit by the door and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Viagra

An elderly woman visited her doctor to seek advice regarding the fading libido of her husband who’s turning 79.

Doctor (D): What about trying Viagra?

Woman (W): Not a chance! He won’t even take an aspirin.

D: Not a problem. Give him an Irish Viagra.

W: What is that?

D: You crush finely the Viagra tablet, mix it well with his coffee and add a tad of sugar. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and give me a call in a week to let me know how things went.

A week later, she called the doctor to let him know how things went.

W: Oh faith beJaysus and beGorrah!! It was horrible! Just terrible doctor!

D: Really? What happened?!?

W: I did as you told me. Slipped that Viagra in his coffee and the effect was immediate! He jumped straight at me with a twinkle in his eyes. With one swoop he sent cups and tablecloth flying! He tore up my clothes to tatters and made love to me right there on the table. It was a nightmare! I tell you, an absolute nightmare!!!

D: Why so terrible? Do you mean it wasn’t good?

W: It was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years. But sure as I’m sitting here, I’ll never be able to show my face at Starbucks ever again!

Dark humor

(The content of this page may not be suitable to a younger audience or a moron.)

1. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs. 😈

2. Patient: Doctor, I’m so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too. 😈

3. What’s the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man?

The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out. 😈

4. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” are the same thing. Except at a funeral. 😈

5. Mr. de la Cruz gets a call from the hospital. They tell him that his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER, and looks for his wife. The staff tell him that Dr. Juan is handling the case. After paging the doctor, Dr. Juan comes down to meet with Mr de la Cruz in the waiting room. Seeing how distraught the husband was, the doctor starts off the conversation.

D: Mr de la Cruz?

M: Yes doctor. What happened? How’s my wife?

D: I have good news and bad news. Let me start off the with bad news. Your wife’s accident resulted in the fracture of her spine.

M: Oh my God! Will she ever recover?

D: Well, her fracture was severe and an operation would be very risky. She has no motor function at all. You’ll have to feed her and turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.

(Mr. de la Cruz sobs desperately and begins to wail at this point.)

D: Then of course, you’ll have to change her diapers frequently as she has no control over her bladder.

(Mr. de la Cruz begins to shake while sobbing and wailing more.)

D: You’ll have to clean her feces regularly as she has no control of her sphincter. And you’ll have to clean her immediately to prevent bed sores and infection.

(Mr. de la Cruz is now shaking uncontrollably and beginning to writhe off the bench in a pitiful mess.)

And then the doctor reaches out his hand and pats the shoulder of Mr. de la Cruz and says:

D: I have some good news.

M: What could possibly be good about this?!?

D: I’m just f*cking with you. She’s dead. 😈

The love dress

A woman stops by unannounced at her son’s house. She knocks on the door and walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying totally naked on the couch! There was soft music playing, candles lit, and perfume permeating the room.

“What are you doing?”, she asks.

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter explains.

“But you’re naked!”, the mother-in-law exclaims.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law remarks.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”, the mother-in-law replies back.

“Jeff loves it when I wear this dress. He wants me to wear this as it excites him to no end. Each time he sees me in this dress, he instantly gets romantic and can’t enough of me”, the daughter-in-law replied.

The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.

When she gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on the best perfume, dims the lights, puts on romantic music, and lays on the couch – naked – expectantly waiting for her husband. Finally, her husband comes home, walks in, and sees her lying provocatively.

“What are you doing?”, he asks.

“This is my love dress”, she whispers sensually.

“Needs ironing!”, he replies. “What’s for dinner?”

He never heard the gunshot.

The vagina

A woman hears a knock at her front door. When she opens the door, she sees a man who looked stoically at her and then asks:

Do you have a vagina?

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question to the woman.

Do you have a vagina?

She slams the door again.

Later that night, when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I’m taking tomorrow off just in case this guy shows up again.”

The next day they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen. If it’s the same guy, I want you to answer YES to the question because I want to see where this bastard is going with this.”

She nods yes to her husband, opens the door, and sure enough it’s the same fellow standing there. And he asks the same question:

Do you have a vagina?

“Yes, actually I have”, the woman replies.

The man retorts, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”