I thought of writing about vacations, and how we spend them and whom we spend it with, after a post from one of my friends on FaceBook. Traveling with children is the ultimate challenge (I think there should be an episode of Amazing Race where there are toddlers with the couple. That would be a lot of fun).

It read:

How to make traveling with a toddler easier:

Step 1: Leave your toddler home

@TheMommyConfessions

So here’s a scenario when going on vacation, especially with children in tow:

1. Going on vacation is best enjoyed when one is on an authentic break. Strictly speaking, a vacation or holiday, is a leave of absence from the regular routinary activities. It is for recreation, relaxation, recharging, refocusing, and yes, even for tourism. Basically, we need to enjoy and cherish that “moment” guiltlessly. So what’s the use of going on a break with a toddler in tow if all you’ll be doing is taking care of the toddler and not enjoying the sights, sounds, and the other recreational activities of that vacation? Do you even remember where your parents took you to when you were 2 years old? So here’s the deal – leave the toddler behind and go on that trip you’ve been planning after your delivery! You deserve it. And you shouldn’t feel guilty about leaving orphan Annie behind. As long as you have family that you know will take good care of her (or him) when you’re enjoying your margarita in a beach somewhere in Bali…GO!!!! You need that break!
2. I have parents that relentlessly ask how to “sedate” their children on the flight. There’s the good old diphenhydramine. In the majority, it does the trick. Then again, because of either the excitement or fear of the new environment, the child may not respond to the sedating and anti-anxiety effect. So you’re on a plane, in economy class, pushing back from the tarmac holding two kids on your lap, on your way to New York from Manila. One of then starts bawling as the engines are revving up and the other starts kicking on your lap and holding his ears when you start to ascend. Your nightmare has just begun because you’ve just taken off and you have another 16-18 hours on this flight. Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that some of them start throwing up all over you and the floor and aren’t even toilet trained yet at that age. Your other child wants to go to the toilet but breakfast is being served and you’re a million miles away from the toilet (because they put the parents traveling with children at the bulkhead) and the meal cart has just passed them when your son suddenly feels the urge to take a leak. The toilet for economy class is all the way to the tail end of the plane! Then leak he does – all over the floor! And you’re only 1 1/2 hours in the air. As you drag your child to the toilet, turbulence ensues and you’re asked by the pilot and the crew to get back to your seats. The kids start crying and screaming. You’re holding on to the kids, the tray of food at your seats, and the seatbelt sign doesn’t go off until an hour later. Fifteen hours to go…welcome to hell! Where the hell is that rivotril?!?!
3. Finally, you get to your destination. You get off the plane looking like part of the baggages that are being thrown around. Vomit on your shirt, shit on your pants, milk in you socks! And you smell like turd as well. But it’s fine. You made it this far…you’ll make it anywhere…or so you thought! And the immigration officer isn’t really too happy with how guys look like coming off a plane looking like you and your kids were came from a war in Afghanistan. So he asks a million questions on why you’re here, how long you’re staying, what are your means for staying, who are these two runts joining you, why are you staying for 3 weeks, how will you handle the children, how many baggages did you bring, do you have work, what do you guys do, do you have relatives…and so on and so forth…while one of the kids is dead asleep in your arms the other toddler is just unsteady at his place….AND YOU REALLY NEED TO TAKE A LEAK!!!
4. The immigration officer finally lets you and your family go through. You rush to the toilet and have the family wait for the baggages. All the baggages on the flight are now out. It’s just you, the kids and the wifey that are left standing on the carousel belt. You have 3 of the 4 luggages you brought with you. The baggage that’s missing are the kids!!! Their meds, the milk, other bottles (I don’t know why they’re still bottle feeding, but yeah…it’s typical for Filipino kids to still bottle feed till they’re 7 years old!). Day 1 doesn’t seem to be coming together. It’s going to be a stressfully long vacation…and your wife looks at you and tells you that you should have just stuck to plan number 1! Leave the toddlers behind…
5. As you settle in to your BnB apartment, your 2 year old has a temperature of 40 C. And you’re quick to your fingers on your mobile phone calling your paediatrician at 4AM (in Manila) panicking on what to do. I get patients like that. Worst is that some of the parents come to my clinic a few days before they’re leaving with the toddler having a very bad cold and slight fever. I tell them that if he or she is still sick on the day of departure, they need to stay behind or cancel the trip. You should see how the parents look at each other then GLARE at me imagining how evil my suggestion is! Give us an antibiotic but we will need to leave. The tickets have been paid (bought at a vacation madness sale). The accommodations are all settled as well (no refund clause checked!!!). The visa is a one time entry good for 30 days!!! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!! GIVE MY CHILD PARACETAMOL AND IBUPROFEN ROUND THE CLOCK!!! WE ARE GETTING ON THAT PLANE TOMORROW!!!

I have very little memory of my days as a toddler. I can’t even recall where my parents took me when we I was 3 years old. My mom would usually tell me when we’re on a trip somewhere, this is where we first had that delicious barbecue that people rave about. And I shoot back and say, really? Like that was three decades ago!!! I don’t even remember that we had barbecue or the view of the place. All I see is SM to the left and Ayala Mall to the right!

I get it when we want to go on vacation with the whole family in tow. I think it’s a fair advice that when we go on vacation somewhere near (like a local road trip), it’s okay to bring the whole clan along. It’s a different story when you’re leaving on a jet plane to a far off destination. The farther the trip, the more you need to leave the younger kids behind.

As a general rule: kids who are not bottle feeding and can eat on their own, have a sense of responsibility and appropriate behaviour, and do not need too much care and attention on hygiene and health are ready to travel with you on your family vacations. If you have no one to leave the children behind, plan a small local vacation. Never base your family vacation on an airline sale! All advertisements are enticing. But that’s the marketing arm taking hard earned savings!

While it is the company that matters, you need to make it as enjoyable as possible for EVERYONE! So don’t believe all that bull crap on bonding and memorable moments with all the kids in tow or that Dr Seuss “valuing the moment until it becomes a memory” one liner. They’re not the ones bringing and taking care of the toddlers with them in that next vacation to never never land! (Unless you have extra cash or extremely wealthy, you can take the au pair with you on the travel!)

You need to tailor-fit each vacation for the place and the people traveling there. I don’t think your 2 year old would actually want to see the Mona Lisa at the Louvre! Or that you and your wife would fancy another tiring 3 days meeting and greeting Mickey and Donald.

There will always be a time when all plans will fall into place and make that dream journey a truly memorable one.

In the humdrum and bustle of life, there are days when we look for solace. A place where the pause button stops time and reminds us why we live and what we live for.

It used to be that social media was one of the places where we shared our joys, triumphs, successes, worst days, tears, and losses. We stayed “connected” because it was a place where we believed, no matter how distant our friends and relatives are, digital technology has kept us only a touch away.

That was then…before the trolls came. Before the disruptors invaded our space and privacy. Where inappropriate behaviour and language became a norm rather than the exception. Where cursing and bullying on-line has become a standard for propagating a culture of hate and anger. Our children have began questioning our teachings and asking more (or less) questions because of what is “shared” online.

Social media platforms, while an avenue for relative joys in life, has dramatically changed. Today, it has become a platform for political and personal agenda. To say that the well is poisoned, is probably a rough description of this scenario.

As half of the first month of 2019 is over, I challenge everyone to devote the next 60 seconds to meditate and ask yourself the question, “how do I focus to achieve finding a quiet place in my life for the remainder of the year?“

At every crossroad in life, we take a leap of faith when deciding the road we take. Often times, we procrastinate at turning a new leaf because we fear that it isn’t time to let go or we remain complacent in our comfort zone or that we’re probably too old to shift gears. The question we need to ask ourselves is not how our photos look like in 2008 compared to 2018. You can sift through all those photographs and post the ones you like from a decade back and look good (better) on your profile picture. But that’s selective bias. It’s what’s deep inside you that truly matters. Are you in a better place? Are you happier today than ten years ago? What were the things and events that mattered or didn’t matter at all? Have you left the baggage of regrets in your life or are you still lugging on to them or treasuring them like the masochist you are?

The mind is like water. When it is turbulent, it’s difficult to see. When it is calm, everything becomes clear.

– Prasad Mahes

It is a kind reminder to everyone (including me) that anything that costs you your peace is too expensive.

This year, I am looking forward to finding more quiet places in my life. Somewhere where I can find myself once more and walk away from people and situations that threaten my peace of mind, self-respect, values and morals or self-worth. Somewhere where in the midst of life’s many storms, it is tranquil.

The start of the year is always an opportune time to reflect on excess baggages of the past, learning to let go, and moving on.

Sometimes we have to let go of what’s killing us, even if it kills us to let go.

Letting go is often a painful decision. Moving to a new work environment. Seeing a dearly beloved depart untimely. Bidding goodbye to friendships and relationships. Burying the past is emotionally and physically draining.

Yet letting go can be a liberating and exhilarating feeling as well. We learn to accept that things are just not meant to be. Life after all, is meant to be lived today.

If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.

– Paulo Coehlo

Life is the biggest classroom. It teaches us that we need to let go of what’s not there anymore. As Maria Kondo would put it, what does not spark joy any longer. When one lets go, one should not look back. Remember, whatever the past was, there should be gratitude in that moment. We become stronger, and hopefully, learn to pick up from our mistakes. Be grateful for the joy shared.

Be kind to yourself. The people and events in life are simply pitstops to our final destination.

Marie Kondo has become a household name lately. She’s a tidying expert and consultant who began her business in Tokyo when she was only 19 years old. She is the author of the New York Times best-selling book, “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up”. Netflix launched a TV series last January 01, 2019 entitled “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”.

I enjoyed the Netflix series more than her book. Unlike other TV shows or series on “make overs”, Kondo encourages her followers/audience to be responsible for the cleaning process in their homes. And I tell you, it’s not a quick fix. The house doesn’t get torn down and voila you have a more modern home in your midst within the week. You don’t get extra help here except from probably your partner. And that’s what makes the show (and the book) so different. You don’t let someone come and remodel your home. I didn’t realize that all those books, papers, clothes, food stuff, and other miscellaneous items were actually CLUTTER in my home.

The take home message was basically “keeping only the things that spark joy“. At first I thought it was weird that you’d meditate across your home, feel the ambiance and begin to see what needs to get tidied up. Or that I’d be thanking inanimate objects before parting with them.

The KonMari philosophy on organizing your home is akin to organizing one’s life.

First, it doesn’t tell you to change things in one swoop. As a matter of fact, you’ll need to mentally and physically prepare for this challenge.

Second, you’ll probably learn to appreciate more when you’ve completed the whole process of de-cluttering whatever is scattered in your home. I remember when I was clearing up my work room, I kept asking myself how I accumulated so many receipts and didn’t even bother to throw them away? Seriously, some of them dated all the way back to 2007!! After the clearing operations, it ended with three XXXL trash bags to shred!

Finally, when you get to the end of the task, you end up appreciating the whole process of organizing and downsizing. Those that did not spark joy, I let go freely and easily – to the shredder!!! Those that were memorable and had sentimental value, I placed aside in a nice box. I would rearrange them one of these days. You really don’t know what you’ll unearth in all that “trash”. And you’ll end up being more aware of all what you hoard.

So yeah. I’m joining the bandwagon of the clutter-free world. Who would have imagined that tidying up would give us back so much joy in our lives? The whole process has made me embrace Kondo’s philosophy. The following day, when I saw all those bank statements and statements of account from BPI, I told my help “ayan na naman yan. Sila ang talagang dapat turuan magtipid sa papel!” (There they are again. They should be taught how to save on paper!)

I’m a fan. And literally decluttering our lives, from the daily grind to the daily angst, is liberating.

If I can tidy up my house and make it feel more a home, then I can learn to declutter my life.

It’s a wonderful feeling.

Every new year heralds new beginnings. A fresh start.

I started this blog a year ago on a quiet winter morning in Tokyo while watching over my mom (who’s ambulatory challenged), while the clan went shopping. Her snoring was both bothersome yet melodious in some strange way.

Growing up, my sister and I knew her as a frail woman who had to overcome every ball life threw her way. Married off at an early age and had to literally raise a family after my father passed away early, she is the reason why I write about relative joys in life.

Taking care of the elderly and the disabled will always be a painful reality in all our lives.  Many of my friends around my age will have several stories to tell about our parents and grandparents.  As we came out of anticipated New Year’s Day mass today, my mom gave a long sigh.  And I couldn’t help but feel that tug in my heart.  

You see, during those days when we are able to engage in a good conversation, she sheds tears.  Always asks why she is unable to walk already.  How she has become a burden to me (and to everyone).  How frustrated and angry she is because the household help does not pay attention to her especially when she needs to go to the bathroom. (Yes.  The toilet is their place of joy at this age.) And then the minor rants – on the cost of goods and commodities; being unable to cook for me; not being able to drive (another absolute joy as it is her anchor for freedom) – anything under the sun will always serve as a reason for depression. And I get it.  After all, an idle mind will always be the devil’s playground.

Then there is having to watch the slow deterioration of her physiological and physical faculties as a human being. It’s the most painful part of our journey as mother and son. If there is one thing that she always reminds me, is to be good when she is gone.  I always joke around with her that with her resilience in life, I’d probably go ahead of her.  But that would not be a laughing matter to her.  I would look away because her eyes would be filled with glistening tears.  And I would need to choke on my own so that I can pretend (yes, that’s the operative word) that I am strong at I time when she is weak.

There comes a point in our lives when you realise that time has caught up on you or your loved ones.  I know that.  When my father passed away, we were all caught unaware.  Like a thief in the night, death came without a warning. I guess to him it was a good way to go.  After all, who wouldn’t want to go the way he did? I kissed him goodnight at the hospital bed.  I’d be back tomorrow because we were being discharged.  He smiled.  He was coming home.  That phone call at 2AM.  We rushed to the hospital.  They had been resuscitating him for the past hour. I was in a state of disbelief.  But I knew my father.  This was his way of saying goodbye – dignity intact.  I told the residents to stop resuscitating. I went to my mom and hugged her.  It was over. My mom was hysterical. It was difficult for us. That loss still resonates today and every day of my life. A very peaceful ending to the book of his life, yet painful beginning to ours.

The untimely passing of my father taught me many things. 

1. No one is ever ready for death. No matter how well prepared you are, it does not make a formal announcement when it is time. Not even the dying.

2. You’re never able to rewrite the past.  Often times we think that we have time. Time to repay the kindness.  Time to right the wrong. Time to apologise and make amends.  You’re wrong.  Life isn’t fair. Reality is, that like the life of my mom and dad, every day life throws lemons. How you make out of those lemons makes the difference.

3. Aging isn’t easy. Growing old is difficult. After 50, we’re taken aback when each of our batch mates or friends are buried earlier than us. After 60, we get used to the fact that each reunion has dwindling numbers. When you get to survive 65, there are more funerals than weddings we attend each year. After 70, it becomes lonely that you’re one of the last survivors among friends. If you make it past 80, consider it lucky that you have family taking care of you…that’s if your mind is still functioning as sharply as it did a year ago.

4. When they’re gone, the first grief is of the loss. Then the rationalization that they’re probably at peace with no more pain idea takes over. It’s when you’re back home after the burial that hits home. Those special occasions that you all celebrated together are replayed every holiday. As you comb through the photos and memorabilia left behind, one cannot help but recall or feel chagrin of losing a love one. After all, every loss ends in “what if’s”. You will always keep pushing the replay button as you move forward.

They’re a bit tougher to handle as they age. More difficult to understand. A bit more tactless to the point that sometimes you’re ashamed at the stories they tell. It is tiring. But it is what it is. One day, no matter how much we promise ourself that we will not burden our children, we will walk in our parents shoes.

Like the cycle in every calendar year, each new year gives up the opportunity to write 12 new chapters because each day gives us 365 chances to make beautiful endings.