Author: kidatheart

Inconsistencies

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Others call it a flip flop.

It’s like a trend today. And it gets to be tiring to have to make heads or tails of the news.

By changing lanes very quickly, it confuses even the rational individual.

The death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi is an example of changing stories. Jamal’s death at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul has remained a glaring mystery in his murder. Statements out of Saudi claimed Khashoggi was armed and had fought it out in the consulate. Today, Saudi prosecutors say the killing was planned.

But this is not the first time that stories of espionage had changed rapidly. The reason for the inconsistencies is to confuse people and make them tired of the issue or topic. After all, the best way to mislead the reader is to waylay them.

There’s a lot of that going on in local politics lately. Juan Ponce Enrile, who once said that there were atrocities during the Martial Law years had flip-flopped on this during an interview with Bong Bong Marcos. In today’s news, he once more becomes inconsistent by apologizing for the faux pas, and blaming unlucid moments (of a very very old man).

Or there’s Sid Lapeña on the news flip flopping on whether those metal containers containing the 11B pesos Shabu shipment were or were not actually there. After the exchange in barbs and evidences with PDEA, he concedes like a little boy, “sige na nga”, and affirms the presence of drugs in the metal containers that were able to get through customs.

Oh but we don’t have to look far for the tree that bore these fruits. The president, after all, appointed these incompetent nincompoops. Without doubt, many of them are not cut to lead. Loyalty cannot be the first qualification for governance. After the academic and experience requirements are fulfilled, the vetting begins considering all qualified people equal. My janitor is loyal to me. Do I expect him to become my chief finance officer?

We are all loyal to the president. Since he is the duly elected leader of the country.

That extent of loyalty will vary over time. And ends when love of country reigns in our hearts and mind.

When what he does is inconsistent with what he says, then skepticism arises. When he sides with evil and wrong decisions because of friendship or acquaintances, people will distance themselves from being loyal. It creates dissent among the ranks. Mistrust.

When you don’t walk the talk, you don’t expect an appreciative audience. It is human nature to distrust someone with inconsistencies. Only fools or opportunists will trust someone with lack of integrity.

Real life relations are the perfect example of why trust matters. When inconsistencies happen, when you cannot look at your partner straight in the eyes because of indiscretions, when you hide from others because you’re too embarrassed to face your ghosts, when you cannot address issues at home or work because personal conflicts collide with honesty…these are the times when our integrity slowly erodes. Until there is nothing left to show. To believe. To hold on to.

Inconsistencies destroy not only a person and his relations with other people. Inconsistencies have destroyed empires. Inconsistencies are used by tyrants as a strategy to confuse and literally divide a nation.

As Jim Collins puts it bluntly

The signature of mediocrity is not an unwillingness to change. The signature of mediocrity is chronic inconsistency.

Respect is earned

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It’s ironic that sometimes the more chances you give the more respect you lose. Your standards begin to be ignored when you let people get comfortable in knowing that another chance will always exist. They start to depend on your forgiveness.

While kindness is a trait that we want to give (and receive), giving it is often mistaken for weakness. People tend to abuse the kindness and forgiveness. It erodes the core of love, and respect. When kindness is abused, respect is lost.

All respect is earned. No one receives it or deserves it laid out on a silver platter. Our integrity speaks highly of the kind of respect we deserve.

Respect is learned as a child. It’s otherwise known as breeding. There’s an interesting post in Pinterest and I’m sharing that with you.

I was raised to show respect. I was taught to knock before I open a door.

Say hello when I enter a room. Say please and thank you, and have respect for my elders.

I’d let another person have my seat if they need it.

Say ‘yes sir’ and ‘no sir’, and help others when they need me to, and not stand on the sidelines and watch.

Hold the door for the person behind me, say “excuse me” when it’s needed.

To love people for who they are and not for what I can get from them.

Most importantly, I was raised to treat people exactly how I would like to be treated by others.

It’s called respect.

The insult

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Over ten years ago, I was on the same event as Vice Ganda in Cagayan de Oro.  Vice was the entertainment number in that meeting. As a rule, after my talk, I never stay around for the entertainment portion (if there is any).  Not that I don’t like to mingle with the crowd.  I just frown upon having to have entertainers in a scientific meeting. From what I gathered the day after my talk, the doctors liked (actually loved) my talk.  They were, however, not pleased with the humour of Vice.  They said that it was “insulting” because his jokes were at the expense of the other doctors in the audience.

I did not recognise Vice even when we were one seat apart on the plane from CDO back to Manila.  The person seated beside me told me that Vice (who had an aide in tow) was a rising comedian and was the entertainment portion of the conference last night.  I nodded, looked at Vice who was asleep on his seat.  Then looked away.

Who knew that his kind of humour would catapult him into fame and fortune?  And don’t get me wrong.  I have nothing against his becoming rich and famous.  I actually laud his success.  And this is the point where I say – EVEN IF.  Even if his humour is crass and personal. There are those that are entertained with this kind of humour.

I’m not a fan.

He’s had recent tiffs with the press and people over his remarks.  And he wouldn’t care less.  After all, he’s at the top of the world. Right up there together with all the other comedians of his stature.  Or the likes of Tito, Vic, and Joey.  Self-Deprecating humour peddled to entertain at other peoples expense.

His recent catty remarks and political overtones on his shows have been done in bad taste. While there is a thin line between entertainment and sensibility, that line is crossed when humour becomes insulting.  Even if it was meant as a joke.

The recent reactions of  various entertainment people like Aga Muhlach, Lea Salonga, Bea Alonzo to name a few, on political matters garnered mixed reactions online.  For obvious reasons, personalities are influential to a certain degree.  Which makes it important that they choose when, what, and how to say it at an appropriate time. And yes, while we live in a democratic country (last I heard we are still a free nation) and there is freedom to express one’s views, the views of someone popular, will matter.

Entertainers enjoy better opportunities than the ordinary Juan. I am sure that they are aware that what they say can affect opinions – whether right or wrong.  You can see their influence in the various commercials they star in.  As endorsers – they have a following. Particularly with the gullible ones who are unable to discern what is true, from what is a marketing gimmick. Advertising is the best medium for brainwashing peoples minds.

Because entertainers have an advantage at media mileage, they should be able to manage their conflicts appropriately.  They need a higher level of discernment when they speak because the political arena is not a studio or a rehearsal for some segment or series on television.  They need to check facts before making statements or comments with an unfounded basis. They are not exempted from this.

While they (or anyone for that matter) can always say that they have the right to freedom of expression just like anyone, the degree of impact on what is said (whether it is right or wrong) is different. After all, what may be meant as an opinion or a joke can end up as an insult. Mean. Trashy.

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

– Mark Twain

If you feel alluded to, remember, think before you open your mouth. It’s a fair reminder that we need to see with our eyes and hear with our ears. Just because you’re on a pedestal does not make you a god.

Pistantrophobia

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Is a condition that is characterised by an irrational fear of building an intimate relationship with others.

It is the fear of trusting people due to bad experiences with prior acquaintances.

Trust issues are not easy to reconcile with.  When we trust people, we often reveal our most vulnerable side.  Doing so exposes us to the risk of betrayal.  There is no hurt greater than one when trust is broken.

Trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

Building trust starts from the day we are born.

We trust that our parents will take care of us – for better or worse.  The first psychosocial crisis in life should be resolved when we are babies in order to develop basic trust.  The level of trust is higher in children with more secure attachments to their parents or caregivers. Children are raised by adults who offer them control, direction and guidance in their lives.  During the growing years, aversive childhood experiences contribute to children’s mistrust and eventual lack of confidence.  How parents and adults communicate with each other and their kids can affect their child’s trust issues.

Parents lacking in integrity tend to be duplicitous in their communications.  They are bad role models for children who get confused with double messages, real life scenarios and actions not corresponding to what they preach.  In the book Steps Toward an Ecology of Mind, Gregory Bateson points out that children learn to distrust their perceptions in social interactions when they have been confused and mystified by double messages experienced in their family.

It is these painful and confusing events in childhood that create a profound impact on us throughout life.  The natural defence mechanism is to build a system of defences against that pain, confusion and disillusion.  Children whose parents are from political clans are usually the most broken.  As they interact socially with people in the community, they are raised in a home with double standards – making them understand what it is like to be a politician’s child, and how to reason out their status in society.  Many of them grow up learning to never trust anyone.  Others have an increased sense of vigilance.  If they were hurt by their parents’ dishonesty, they can see other people from a skewed perspective and develop harsh, cynical attitudes toward them.  These are self-protective defences that preserve an illusion of strength and vulnerability, yet these same defenses limit our capacity for trusting others and for finding fulfilment in a close relationship.

– PsychAlive (Psychology for everyday life, http://www.psychalive.org)

Because trust issues are deeply rooted from our child rearing days, growing up mired in confusion, deception, infidelity, and self-destructive behaviour results in an adult who is anxious, devious, manipulating and dangerous. A person filled with hate and lack of compassion.

Trust matters.  It helps preserve love, affection and tenderness people feel for one another.  It is these feelings of mutual trust that continue to sustain people through the inevitable challenges of every relationship.

Honesty is such a lonely word

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Singer and songwriter Billy Joel in the song entitled Honesty, writes the lyrics beautifully of a highly principled, ethical and moral dilemma.  While the whole song speaks about honesty in relationships related to love, the chorus talks about the quality of being honest and how lonely the word is.

Honesty is such a lonely word

Everyone is so untrue

Honesty is hardly ever heard

And mostly what I need from you

Some people purport “white lies” or “little lies” for fear of hurting others with the truth.  When a spade is called a spade, when the cruel reality is revealed in spite its consequences, honesty may sometimes hurt but will be appreciated much.

People often confuse honesty for truthfulness.

Honesty is about expressing your opinions and feelings accurately.  Truth is an accurate representation of reality. Both words don’t have to balance each other always. One can completely be honest yet be untruthful.

A schizophrenic can be honest about their fear of the ghost they see in the corner of their room every night.  The truth is, there’s nothing there.

When you are called by the principal of your child’s school because he beat up another child, and your kid says the other child “started the fight”, he’s being totally honest about his opinion.  The other child had called him out for being an ass, your kid got angry and hit his classmate with the algebra book on the face. But in reality, in truth, your child started the fist fight.  We usually will protect our offsprings and we won’t believe that our kid started the fight.  You can always say that your child was being honest. In truth, he started the fight.

Dr. Jeremy Sherman, writes in Psychology Today (Aug 1, 2018), about the difference between honesty and truth.  He emphasizes that the failure to recognise the difference leaves one exposed and gullible.

Gullibility is largely a product of failing to notice the difference between honest opinion and truth.  You may recognise the difference, but we’re all gullible in the company of people who share our honest opinions.

We’re much more likely to spot a fraud who disagrees with us than one who’s on the same page.  We’re much more likely to notice that honesty and truth are different when someone’s honest opinion conflicts with ours; but when someone’s feelings and opinions are just like ours, we’re both in touch with the truth. How could we not be? We both agree? That’s a consensus!

Why do we mistake honesty for truth when we’re on the same page? Because all tend to see ourselves as the standard for the truth about reality.  We assume we’re unbiased.  When we’re with like-minded people, they must be unbiased, too – in direct contact with the truth.

Thinking that we’re the unbiased measure of all truth is why more exes are diagnosed as narcissists by their former partners than there are true narcissists.  Their former partners assume that being loving and attentive to them is the true standard.  If someone fails by that “unbiased” standard, they must, in truth, be narcissists.

What Sherman writes about is the complicated truth.  Sadly, many see themselves as the measure of all things.  Everyone is suddenly a genius or a the gold standard of knowledge.  Anything that veers away from the standard of your opinion is biased.  Because you feel you’re the gold standard.

At any point in our lives, whether it is in the political arena or a battle of relationships and love or getting ahead in the business circle or academic honesty, it’s a fair reminder that you cannot expect loyalty from people who cannot even give you honesty.

It’s a paradigm shift that not many can handle. Ask the politician whose family is running for various positions in politics.  It’s like the story of the schizophrenic. He tells you to believe in his fantasies and fairy tales and empty promises, when in truth there is none.

If you want to be trusted, just be honest.

The lifestyle of kindness

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Mark Twain once said, “Kindness is the language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

In a world where digital technology has become essential in our day to day communications and relationship, deep conservations with the right people have become priceless.  It is disturbing when we allow the behaviour of others who sow nothing but hate and disillusion to destroy our inner peace.

Buddhism teaches us that “if we have to choose between being kind and being right, choosing being kind will always be right”.

I’ve always said that the anatomy of disappointments are expectations.  It is human nature after all, to expect things done for someone as a favour in the future.  This act is called “payback”.  There are people who make acquaintances with the objective of “want and need”.  We want something, or need something.  They are not true friends.  They are there for a personal agenda.  When you’re not needed anymore, they will treat you like trash.

When we do things for others out of the goodness of our heart, or the purest of intentions and expect nothing in return, we will never be disappointed.

Kindness is not an act.  Our random daily association and interaction with people speak volumes of who we are.  No matter how educated, talented, rich or cool we think we are, how we treat people in the end is a reflection of our integrity.  Kindness is a lifestyle that’s yearning to be learned …and it always begins with “I”. When we learn to be kind to ourselves, we allow kindness to flow from us and that cascades to others as well.

Our days are better and happier when we give people a bit of our heart than a piece of our mind.

As you read this blog, be the reason someone smiles today.

Perfectly

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All of the best love stories have one thing in common. You have to go against the odds to get there.

For most of us who have a better half or a partner in life, there’s always a love story we tell.

There’s the perfect person who we picture. The one who will take our breath away. Finding Mr or Ms Right will always be our goal. For some, the perfect one may never come along. And they remain single throughout life. But I’m willing to bet that sometime in their life, they have loved…and lost…but they nevertheless have a love story to write.

As all relationships, and love stories are, one discovers imperfections along the way. People change. After all, circumstances change with time.

When we love, we need to see beyond the perfect. We love even the imperfections of the better half. Not the bitter half. Because love, sees through seeing perfectly the person that was meant to share our life with.

Because when we truly love someone, you don’t give up. Ever. Perfectly.

7 Cardinal rules for life

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They say that when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.

It’s our attitude that determines how we embrace the endless possibilities of life.

When faced with adversity, we always have choices.  To throw in the towel.  Or use it to wipe the sweat.

I’m sharing this interesting post I found at Pinterest on the 7 Cardinal Rules for Life.  I’ve added a few thoughts of my own.  The cardinal rules are highlighted in bold letters.  The rest of the notes, I’m writing this for you…

Rule #1: Make peace with your past so it won’t disturb your present

Making peace with our past is important, not because we forgive others but because we learn to forgive ourselves. Whatever we’re going through – from broken relationship to grieving of a loss – we need to move on without them.

Rule #2: What other people think of you is none of your business

What people think of us is complicated.  It may be because of our actions or thoughts.  For example, some people may not like my being opinionated.  When I think it’s the right thing to do, being popular isn’t my cup of tea.  Unless you’ve done harm to other people, what people think of you shouldn’t be your concern.  Only the paranoid value other peoples opinion.

Rule #3: Time heals almost everything.  Give it time.

While it is true that time heals all wounds, there will be those that will take it personally till their graves.  And we either forgive the hurt and learn from it, or develop Alzheimer’s eventually and forget it totally.  Time, after all is the greatest arbiter when it comes to healing the past.

Rule #4: No one is in charge of your happiness. Except you.

We are, after all, the captain of our ship.  Only you can create your own happiness.  And yes, that includes those who are depressed day in and day one.

Rule #5: Don’t compare your life to others and don’t judge them.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.

The grass on the other side isn’t always greener.  And we don’t have to keep up with the Joneses.  Whatever luck comes your way, be glad that it’s on your side.  You don’t have to look at the other side of the fence and malign those are less fortunate in life.  Sometimes, understanding others may be difficult.  But let’s try to see the bigger picture.

Rule #6: Stop thinking too much.  It’s alright not to know all the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it.

We tend to overthink a lot of things.  Problem with this is that you don’t know if you’ll still be alive tomorrow to face what you worried over today.  I admire those people who throw the cares to the wind.  You’ve got to really love them especially when the world looks like it’s about to end, yet they have that cool approach to all that stress.

Rule #7: Smile.  You don’t own all the problems in the world.

The sky didn’t fall. You’re still breathing.  It’s another manic Monday.  The traffic is bad but we still got to our destination.  We celebrate another milestone in spite of all the problems we encountered in the launch of the project.  Your household left at a bad time.  The rain spoiled the kids parade.

There will always be sunshine and rainbows after the storm.

The teacher

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Once upon a time, there was a teacher. She taught with passion. She made sure that the kids in the class would know the objectives of the lecture of the day. Would get to participate in the recitation. Would be able to submit assignments correctly and as scheduled. They all passed the exams with flying colors. Today, all her students are professionals from all walks of life. Doctors. Businessmen. Engineers. Lawyers. Architects. Actors. They all have one common root – the teacher.

I remember fondly some of my teachers who taught me many things. From learning to read and write, to being kind and upright. Even when they were tough on us, they also pointed us in the right direction. To who and what we are today.

They are, after all, our second parents who mold us when we’re students. Their passion is infectious. It’s not easy to be a teacher. Patience. Integrity. Honesty. They’re all virtues that make the student admire these unsung heroes. Their pay isn’t as much as the CEO. Their hours are not confined to class. They lug all those test papers back home and burn the midnight oil. The hours of preparing for classes are not paid by the school. Schools only pay them for physical presence in classrooms.

Then there’s the teacher that’s a cut above the rest. Not because of the selfies. Or their being friends on Facebook or Twitter. But because he or she is just a damn good teacher. These are the ones that are born to teach. To be mentors. To dedicate their lives to educating. And they don’t complain about the long hours or the bad pay.

But teaching isn’t confined to the four walls of a classroom. Even in the workplace, you will find a teacher who will inspire you to be the best.

They do it because they’re teachers.

The best teacher, after all, is making students who are better than them.

The master has come full circle when his pupil is now ready to become a master.

It’s hard being stupid

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This is a personal opinion.  If you feel alluded to, you can make your personal comments or opt not to follow my blog.

And yes, this post is about the upcoming election.  It’s that time of our life where we say, “here we go again”.

In the Philippines, every three years the circus comes to town.  Full of clowns and animals, or a magic trick or someone on a flying trapeze, the crowd gathers for the upcoming midterm election.

You can’t blame my cynicism.  It stems from a deep disappointment at a government that has failed me.  That’s my take.

The senate

While we are a democracy, we take “crazy” to a higher level by just accepting every Tom, Dick and Harry to run for public office.  The more the merrier.  Almost 75% of them running for just the senatorial slot are nuisance candidates.  Did you know that when you have a lot of choices to choose from, it becomes an instinct to just do name recall? Yep.  That’s the way our brain works.  So that you don’t have to think deep or think hard, name recall is the road to the senate.  These include actors/actresses, controversial people or personalities, anyone that perturbs the norms, political clans and their namesakes.  Too many choices dilutes the mind into having to use your brain on who to vote for.  That’s the reason why the pollster results are the way it is.  Lackeys leading the pack.

The surveys are enablers for the name recall. Every week or so, they come up with the names from a random interview. Those that topped their last survey. With media being the mouthpiece of the results, people remember only the top names on the list. After all, it’s free publicity that they’re splattered all over by the press.

Congress and the den of wolves

In my blog yesterday, I provided data on demographics of the Philippines.  In 2016, there were approximately 55M voters during that election.  It is estimated that for the 2019 elections, there would be almost 60M voters.  That means that based on demography, every succeeding election will be the youth who will vote our future leaders. We hope they are more intelligent than we are.

There are 1.4M OFW voters separately.  In 2016, there were 115 party lists that joined the fray for a congressional seat during the last national election. Of these, 46 groups were proclaimed winners. The last three seats were won by: Magdalo (270,589 votes), Manila Teachers (263,742 votes), and Agbiag! (236,441 votes).  It will, therefore, not be far-fetched that the woman from PCOO who recently resigned because of the “pepe” and “dede” scandal or the spokesperson who sold his soul to the devil, or any other enabler of false prophecies and peddlers of lies are running as “party list” in the upcoming elections. You’d just need a fraction of these OFWs, the most gullible in the group of voters, to bring them to becoming lawmakers.  Why the hell do you think they’ve been joining the cavalcade of the president during his official businesses?

The local government

Elections at the local level (from Governor to Mayor to Councilor to Barangay Official) is a different animal altogether.  We all know that this is more personal.  It’s all about the family.  About the clan.  And local government elections are bloodier, dirtier, and deadlier than the other national positions.  These little kingdoms need to be protected.  Like a business enterprise, it is difficult to win a position in these towns and provinces.  Never mind having to make national laws.  These tiny kingdoms will always be the bailiwick of the dynasties.

The dynasties are not fueled by the middle class.  It is the informal settlers or squatters that are kept happy for a few months leading up to the election that vote these dynasties into office.  Term after term after term.  The lives of these informal settlers continue to be pathetic.  Like vermin, they grow from sewers and provide sustenance to the local government official every three years when they come out in full force.  Paid to vote for the incumbent to stay in power.  And for them to stay as illegal settlers in land that is not theirs.  Until one day, when their mayor decides to sleep with the devil and makes a deal with the developer to drive them out of their nest – either by force or through a man-made calamity like arson. The survivors are resilient because they are needed by the devil come election time.

The aftermath

I’ve always told people that we’re not a very cohesive citizen.  While I get the fact that politics has always been dirty, we’ve really not learned from the mistakes of one generation.  We’ve never been able to elect leaders that heal a wounded nation.  It has to always be some form of retaliation.  That kind of mindset is not healthy.  It is destroys peoples lives.  There is no sustainable growth.  There is no long term planning for a nation. It will always be “weather weather lang”.

I am not siding with who you should vote for.  And you may have your personal reasons – ranging from an alliance with the political party or that you’ve really enjoyed him in Ang Probinsiyano.  Whoever you vote for will impact on our lives and the future direction of the nation.  If there are those that are misguided when selecting who they want to lead them, help them realise that they need to see the overall picture of the country.

We need to send the take home message, that we need to be more patriotic than selfish.  That people with integrity, qualification and vision should be the stewards of the nation.  Vested interest will always be the harbinger of corruption.

Yes. It is hard being stupid. Not because they don’t realize they are stupid. But because stupid has no reason to exist except to perpetuate corruption and evil.