Thinking like a Queen

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So many problems. So little time. Or so we think.

I’m sure we all have these days (or much longer) where we seem to be showered with so many problems that focusing on failure is not an option.

Challenges don’t have signal lights. There are no brake pads in life that tell us when to pause at certain decisions. Whatever we decide on, remember, failure is always an option.

So how do you deal with situations like these?

Always factor in failure as part of the equation to solving a problem. There is no shame in failing because it will always part of the learning curve.

One day, I told my staff over lunch that who they see me today as a successful clinician was a product of failure. I am not ashamed to tell that story over and over again.

In the class of 1983, I was one of those who did not pass the oral revalida. And while the rest of my class marched on stage during graduation, I was making up for the failure. The failure devastated my ego. Whatever ego was left was thrown out the window.

The question was – do I continue or do I give up? What will people say? After wallowing in self pity, I came face to face with realizing that ego never built dreams. It was the most humbling moment of my life. I needed to prove to my tribunal that they were wrong. I could do this.

The rest of my success is history. There is no other story in between except that story of failure and my becoming who I am today.

While we are entitled to failures, it’s a fair reminder that the accountability is ours. Own up to it.

My piece of advice to those who go through life’s failures, is that they are there as part of your journey are not meant to be your final destination.

It will hurt when you fail. But someday you’ll realize when looking back at these struggles, it changed your life for the better.

Madness and that leap of faith

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We all fall victim to circumstances beyond our control. The knee jerk response is always to complain. Ironically, most of us complain even for the most mundane.

Every situation has a corresponding response. Some may react appropriately, others not. Eckhart Tolle provides a food for thought on decision making during these circumstances.

Every situation is within our control. We just need to learn which ones we accept, change or walk away from. They are important decisions we make because we live with the consequences of these choices, whether we feel it is right or wrong.

A few tips to help when having to make that leap of faith:

Rule #1. Never make your life decisions based on advice from people who don’t have to deal with the results of your decision.

I get that. When people tell you to do something that you feel is off and yet these same people won’t have to be accountable to the results of a decision you alone are responsible for is a very bad choice.

Rule #2. Your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same.

Accepting something wrong when it is not right is being an accomplice to the bad decision. When we make a choice to change, it is because we don’t like who or what or where or why we are.

Rule #3. Only you can decide if it’s ONE DAY or DAY ONE.

No one is perfect. And perfect isn’t what change is all about. Perfect is about making the right decisions in life and loving the journey. It is loving the sound of your feet walking towards that goal.

Believe

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I wrote about surrendering a few days ago. Not because giving up is the only option. But because it’s a settling issue when the impossible is your opponent.

Then there’s believing in better outcomes. Believing even during the most uncertain times on better consequences entails two words – faith and hope.

Someone once asked me, why do bad things happen?

Pain is the greatest game changer in our lives. It reminds us that life is all about possibilities and overcoming the obstacles.

“We cannot change the cards we’re dealt with. Just how we play the hand”.

– Randy Pauch

The answer is simple, yet complicated. If life does not pose hurdles, what a boring routine we’d need to face each day.

We need to believe in the magic of miracles. They are the anchor of hope during adversity. And yes, the universe has a way of aligning life.

My mind wants me to die

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They say that depression is like “living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die.”

When my father passed away, my mom went through those moments called depression.

At first we all just thought that after his death, we would go through the usual cycle of grief and overcome the painful loss. It’s really easier to tell someone that “everything is going to be alright”. My mom was devastated. She stared into space every night and seemingly was lost in her own world with all the psychosomatic symptoms of illness. There was nothing I or my sister could do to help her. After all, how could you forget easily someone who had given you so much to remember?

He was gone. We needed to move on. He would have wanted it that way. We will survive. He would have wanted us to be happy. He is in a better place. There is no more hurt or pain.

I needed to repetitively remind myself and my mom of these thoughts. But the tears spontaneously flowed at every occasion. There were no happy thoughts.

What probably hurt most was the non closure of events when death came like a thief in the night. After all, a procrastinated demise has the opportunity to provide one last farewell and make amends in life. Unlike people who probably had to suffer tremendously before dying, my dad’s death had no goodbyes. One day he was just gone.

That’s where all the regret, guilt and depression were coming from. It was a feeling of betrayal on the part of death.

Depression is a sad state to be in. Sad when people are not waiting for happy endings but just waiting for the end. Everyone thinks that depression is just a phase we all go through and snapping out of it is easy. Watching my mom go through this at her phase in life was painful. Perhaps the reason why my grief was short was because I needed to be strong for her, more than her having to be strong for us. After all, after my dad suffered a stroke, she was the strength that kept all of us together. When he passed away, that pillar just gave way.

I will probably never know what lives in the mind of my mom. Even when I ask her about it, she tells me that when she has bouts of loneliness, there is nothing in her mind but a feeling of emptiness and fear.

More than two decades later, with psychiatric help, medicines and family support later, she is better on most days.

I know that there is no one stop shop for depressive disorder. But there is hope and help for anyone going through tough times. And mental illness is something we need to be aware of, talk about, and share.

It’s okay not to be okay. I’m with you on this journey. And I’m writing this for you.

Why me?

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When we were growing up as kids, my sister and I would always chant the phrase “why me? Why always me?” when we’d be tasked by our parents on who would sweep the floor, or wash the dishes, or make the table.

We were never financially well off. Sure my grandparents were rubbing elbows with the Chinese Chamber of Commerce. But we were poor.

I know how it felt to move from place to place with just a few clothes on our back. We had three meals a day but barely made bills reconcilable. We huddled in a one bedroom apartment when my father was asked to leave the house of my grandparents. My parents never complained about having to fend for me and my sister. We never grew up with all the spoils in life. Going to a private school was the only luxury my parents provided us. We were taught that whatever came our way should be considered a blessing.

You know how the kids of today complain so much about not having enough? That’s right. How many of our kids have no “gadget” at all or are “tamed down” when interacting with social media?

I always knew that my father had a dream. See us get a good education. Raise us decently. Build a dream house (even if it meant being flung to a no man’s area. A house is still a house). In spite of his illness, he had a goal.

When he got sick, I thought it was awful that the company he was working for retired him immediately. Back then, labourers rights weren’t as well protected as today. You know the drill. “Here’s some loose change. Sorry you had a stroke. This should tide you over. We’re sorry to let you go. Thank you for the services in the company.”

My sister then lost her husband to a ruptured cerebral aneurysm at a young age. She was a widow with a 3 month pregnancy along the way and a 1 year old girl to take care.

You know how it is when it looks like the whole world gave up on you? Yeah. That’s just part of my life growing up.

Those were the parts where you’d now likely ask yourself, WHY ME?

These moments of doubt, guilt and despair are not exclusive to a few. I’m sure most, if not all, of us have had these unforgettable challenges.

I am writing this for you to remind you that life is about facing our greatest challenges and staying optimistic in spite of these challenges. Build a goal. And stick to the goal. Some plans may not work out the way we want, but keep your eyes on the goal. We will end up based on our decisions in life. And remember to choose to be happy. My father was right. We need to see the good in everything.

I surrender

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I get it.

No matter what you do, things just don’t work out. Most will provide the advice of “never giving up”. Yet there are times when giving up is the best option because you realize that it’s just a whole waste of time crying a river.

There are painful situations in life. Loss of a child or loved one, property or material value, job or career – they’re all part of the circle of life.

Doesn’t it suck that you’re in that situation when you know you need to let go, but you can’t, because “you’re waiting for the impossible to happen?”

Surrendering is an important decision we need to make in our lives. I’m not saying that we need to surrender at each stumble. There are just situations that letting go is the best decision we will make.

The homecoming @35

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Class of 1983. Yep! 35 years after graduating from medical school, this bunch of crazy, lovely, wonderful and great people still managed to come together from all parts of the country and the world to be with one another for our alumni homecoming.

This year, we were the coral jubilarians. It was a festive and memorable occasion. While I missed some other gatherings of our batch, I could not help reminisce those crazy times we shared.

School wasn’t just about coming to class and taking and passing the exams. It wasn’t just about studying to get a diploma (though I got mine a few months later than my batch mates). It was having fun and learning at the same time.

After medical school, we all went separate ways. Our journeys may have been different. Some married. Some stayed single. Some worked for the government. Others the academe. Others the corporate world. And most of us went into private practice. Then there were those who passed away. Too soon.

Homecomings remind us of the camaraderie we all share, even after school. It’s a beautiful reminder that life goes on and only we can chart our destinies.

The class of 83 is family to me.

We are like branches on a tree. We grow in different directions. Yet our roots remain as one.

I will always be grateful to my Alma Mater and my professors who have molded us into who, what and where we are today.

Until the next five years again my friends when all roads lead us back home.

Metanoia

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They say we mellow with time.

But time, is a double-bladed sword. While it allows us control over it, it does not let us know that it has passed us by. One day, we wake up to wrinkles, white hair, crows feet, not to mention the chronic diseases that accompany aging.

The mirror on the wall serves as our friend to prompt us about time. The reflection in the mirror reminds us daily if we like the person we see.

Time is also kind, the longer we live on earth, the greater the opportunity it provides us to mend our ways in life before “our time is up”.

Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters.

Life humbles us as one ages because it shows you what really matters in life.

Take the path to metanoia this New Year and embrace that change, for the better you. I guarantee you will love the reflection you see in the mirror each new day.

Where you find healing, forgiveness, and love…

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There’s so much anger, negative vibes and despair that’s being “shared”, “liked”, and “favorited” lately. It isn’t a healthy environment when social media becomes a fertile ground for political battles.

Tired of all the negative crap on social media, I decided to recently write about topics that can provide my friends and readers some Relative Joy.

I know that what I write isn’t as popular reading material in this day and age of “fake news”. But I’ve chosen to practice inner peace by writing to inspire. And hope that it gets passed on more than the pessimism around us.

My life is not a bed of roses. For those who personally know me, I have had my moments of disappointments, failures, frustrations, despair, and anger in life. Believe me when I say that it’s difficult to get inspiration during the worst days of your life.

Tired of fighting these angry moments, I felt that writing with the power to inspire and change the momentum of our lives was my highway to improving oneself.

I am engaging in a personal paradigm shift. Fighting the battles I need to fight. And learning the art of being kind, not only to my fellow men but to myself.

Drawing from a place of self construction than self destruction meant that I needed to admit to myself that in order to face my fears I had to appreciate truth and kindness in whatever situation, through healing and forgiveness.

Someone once said that the only way one can move on from all the hurt is to heal. To heal is to learn to forgive. To forgive those that have wronged you, including yourself. In the process of healing and forgiving, we learn to love ourselves and others as well.

Think of the highways of our lives as similar to driving.

You’ll just keep crashing if you don’t take your eyes off the rear view mirror.

The road to redemption can only achieved in that place where we find healing, forgiveness and love.

Silver linings

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We’re all a bunch of idealists. Growing up, we’re filled with these dreams and aspirations for a perfect life.

But that’s not what life throws at us.

I’ve learned that what happens, happens. At first, I was disappointed that in spite of so much effort and goodness (or doing the right thing) some endeavours ended up unappreciated. In retrospect, whatever decisions were made was a good thing. It provided less responsibility and consequently less accountability and stress. It was the silver lining.

We all have these anxious moments. They are touch and go situations with unpredictable outcomes. It’s miserable if things happen not the way we expect or plan. And it’s an inappropriate reaction to not give a f*ck about the events in our lives. But things happen.

I will not venture on why things happen. But they do. And that’s the reality of life. We move on. The hurt will be there, but the world continues to revolve around the sun and the moon will still shine more brightly in the darkest nights.

Coming to terms with reality of life and death, with victories and defeat, with struggles and ease are not easy.

But life has its silver linings.

As Martin Luther King, Jr. aptly puts it

Only in darkness can you see the stars.

For my friends who have been with me during my darkest days, thank you for making me see the stars.