Heaven or hell?

A politician dies and ends up in front of St. Peter at the gates of heaven. St. Peter flips through his list and finds his name.

St. Peter: So you’re a politician…

Politician: Well yes. Is there a problem?

St. Peter: Oh no problem. We’ve adopted a new system for politicians. Unfortunately, you will need to spend one day in hell. After spending a day there, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!

Politician: Wait! I have to spend a day in hell?!

St. Peter: Those are the rules!

And St. Peter snaps his fingers and HOOMPH! The politician disappears. He awakes, curled up with his hands covering his eyes knowing he’s in hell. He cautiously listens for screams, and sniffs the air for brimstone.

But he didn’t. He smelled cotton candy. And fabric softener. And grass. And he heard a voice telling him to open his eyes and wake up.

After uncovering his eyes he sees himself in a hotel room. The penthouse suite to be exact. A man wearing a dapper suit holding a martini in one hand and smiling at him.

Politician: Who are you and where am I?

Satan: I am Satan. And welcome to hell! (And hands the man a glass of martini)

Politician: Wait! This is HELL?!? Where’s all the pain and suffering?

Satan: Oh! We’ve been misrepresented since the beginning of time. Anyway, this is your room. The mini bar is free as is room service. There are extra towels next to the jacuzzi. If you need anything, call reception. And since it’s a beautiful day outside, go out and enjoy the golf course surrounding this hotel.

There is a beach out there and the harbor can be reached by a private golf cart and you have your own yacht.

With Satan accompanying him on the tour around hell, the politician saw many of his colleagues and friends and acquaintances who had gone ahead of him in his lifetime, members of his family and finally, his wife who had passed away a year ago.

They headed to a baseball field where tens and thousands of people waited to greet him in grand style. Most of the people he knew. Some were business people whom he had shennanigan dealings during his lifetime. He knew all these would end up in hell!

He wines, dances, and spends the next 24 hours being treated like a king and living the same life (and more) as when he was still a mortal.

After the party, he had gone back to his penthouse suite accompanied by his wife and two other beautiful women and he has the best sex ever on a soft bed covered with Egyptian cotton. Tired, he fell into a deep sleep and was awoken by St. Peter.

St. Peter: So son, that was hell. Something you didn’t expect, I bet.

Politician: No sir.

St. Peter: Now you make your choice. It’s hell that you saw, or heaven where you get to talk to God, hear beautiful music everyday, and have angels be by your side in paradise each moment.

Politician: Well, I know this sounds strange, and not to put you down but it seems that Hell is a much better place to enjoy for eternity.

St. Peter: Not a problem. I totally I understand. Enjoy!

And with a click of a finger, the politician is transported back to where he came from.

This time the politician wakes up in total darkness.  The stench of ammonia fills the air and he can hear distant screams from afar.  As he adjusts his sight he can see the only light is from a flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean.  A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and coil of razor-wire in the other.

Politician: What is this?  Where is the hotel? Where’s my wife? Where’s the minibar and the golf course and the pool and the shopping arcade and the yacht? The free drinks and the sunshine? Where are they?!?!

Satan: YOU SEE, YESTERDAY, WE WERE CAMPAIGNING.  BUT TODAY, YOU VOTED.

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