Author: kidatheart

The prayer

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A father was tucking his 3 years old daughter into bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and goodbye grandpa.”

The father asked, “why did you say goodbye grandpa?”

The little girl replied, “I don’t know daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day, the grandpa died. The father thought that it was just a coincidence.

A few months later, while the father was tucking his daughter to bed, and while listening to her nightly prayers, he heard her pray, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy and goodbye grandma.” The next day the grandmother died.

“Holy crap”, thought the father. “my daughter is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, he heard her prayer, “God bless mommy and goodbye daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night. He got up at the break of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I just had the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day? You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch.”

The husband (For Father’s Day)

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A husband is at home watching a basketball game when his wife interrupts. “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light?” Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well then could you fix the door of the refrigerator?  It won’t close right.”, she asks.

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Samsung written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine”, she says.  “Then can you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says.  “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you.  I’m going out to the bar for beer!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.  He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.  As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.  As he enters the house, he sees the hallway light is working.  As he goes to get a bottle of beer in the refrigerator, he notices the ref door is fixed.  “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sad outside and cried.  Just then a nice young man was passing by and asked me what was wrong, and I told him.  He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake.”

He said, “So what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Helloooooooo….do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

 

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And a Happy Father’s Day to all the husbands out there!

Why never argue with kids

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl replied, “But Jonah was swallowed by a whale!”

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale cannot swallow a human.  It was physically impossible.

The little girl replied, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” (snickering on the side)

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him!”

A religion school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old students.  After explaining the commandment to “HONOR” thy father and they mother, the teacher asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat, one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.  She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her dark brown hair.  She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of you hair white mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hair turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for awhile and then said, “Mom, how come ALL of grandma’s hair are white?”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  “Just think of how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer’, or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor’!”

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood.  Trying to make the subject matter clearer, she say, “Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes!”, the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”, replied the teacher.

A young boy shouted, “Because your feet ain’t empty!”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.  At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: “TAKE ONLY ONE.  GOD IS WATCHING.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  A child had written a note: “TAKE ALL YOU WANT.  GOD IS WATCHING THE APPLES.”

The plane crash

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A chartered flight was making a descent towards Washington DC and was carrying some important passengers on board.

There were four passengers who were on plane. As it approached the airport, the engines conked out and was going to crash. There were only 3 parachutes on the plane.

The first passenger said, I am James LeBron, a great basketball player. Aside from the fact that my team needs me, millions of my fans will be disappointed if I die early. He grabs a parachute and then jumps.

The second passenger says, I am Donald Trump, the president of the greatest country in the world. I am also the smartest president in American history, so people don’t want me to die. He grabs a parachute and then jumps.

Only the Pope and a young boy were left on the plane.

The Pope looks at the 10 year old boy with love and says, “I am old and don’t have many years left. You are young and still have many years left and dreams ahead. I will sacrifice my life for you. Take the remaining parachute my child.”

The little boy replied back, “that’s okay your Holiness. There’s a parachute left for you. The smart president took my backpack by mistake.” 😂😜😊

When the fight started…

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My wife and I were watching “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “you want to have sex?”

“No!”, she answered.

I then said, “is that your final answer?”

Without looking at me, she said “yes”.

Then I said, “I’d like to phone a friend”

And that’s when the fight started…☹️

I took my wife to a restaurant.

For some reason, the waiter took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak. Rare please”, I said.

The waiter replied, “aren’t you afraid of the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself”.

And that’s when the fight started…☹️

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion. She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

“You know him?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend and according to our friends, when we split up after high school, he’s taken to drinking and has never been sober since.”

“My God”, I replied. “Who’d think a person can go on celebrating that long?”

And that’s when the fight started. ☹️

When our lawnmower broke down, my wife kept dropping hints that I should get a new one.

Somehow, I had something to take care of first. House chores, business deals, errands, beer. Something more important to me.

One day she found a clever way to make her point.

I arrived home one day and saw her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a pair of sewing scissors. I watched her silently for awhile then went into the house. I was gone only for a minute and when I came back I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, “when you’re through cutting the grass you might as well sweep the driveway.”

And that’s when the fight started. ☹️

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our anniversary.

She said, “something shiny that goes from 0 – 150 in 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

That’s when the fight started. ☹️

After retiring, I went to the SSS Office to apply for retirement benefits. The woman behind the counter asked me for my drivers license to verify my age. I looked at my pockets and realized I left my wallet at home. I told the woman I was very sorry, that I’d left my wallet at home, and that I’d come back later.

The woman said, “unbutton your shirt”.

I opened my shirt and revealed my silver curly hair.

She said, “that silver hair on you chest is enough proof for me. And she processed my application!

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife what happened at the SSS Office.

She said, “you should have dropped your pants too. You might have gotten disability benefits too.”

And that’s when the fight started..☹️

My wife was standing nude looking at the bedroom mirror.

She wasn’t happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

I replied, “your eyesight is damn perfect!”

And that’s when the fight started. ☹️

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, “well you still haven’t used the gift I gave you last year!”

That’s when the fight started …☹️

What about you? Have you had any stories to share on how your fight started? 😂

The surprise

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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.  He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love.  When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this.  So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that, they were married.

A few months after their marriage, on the way home from work, his car broke down.  Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.  On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk, he figure he could walk off any ill “effects” before he got home.  So he went in, ordered the baked beans, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans.  All the way home, he putt-putted (farted every now and then).  By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.  She greeted him and said: ” Darling! I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!”

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on.  Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang.  She reminded him to promise not to peek until she returned.  And away she went to answer the phone.  While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.  He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.  It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.  He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him with the blindfold still on.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.  He raised his leg and PRRFFFTTTTT RIPPPPP!!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelling worse.  To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.  While doing that, another urge was about to erupt.  This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table wilted.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes.  Tooting and fanning each time with his napkin.

Then he heard the phone farewells of his wife.  He neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.  Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.  After assuring her he had not peeked, she went to his back, and removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE”!!!

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

The confession

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband suddenly comes home. She puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is in there.

Boy: It’s dark in here.

Man: Yes it is.

Boy: I have a baseball…

Man: That’s nice.

Boy: Want to buy it?

Man: No thanks

Boy: My dad’s outside.

Man: Okay, how much is it?

Boy: $250

In the next few weeks, it happens a again. The boy and the lover are in the closet again!

Boy: Dark in here!

Man: Yes it is!

Boy: I have a baseball glove.

The lover, remembering the last time they were in the closet together, knew what the boy was going to say next.

Man: How much?

Boy: $750

Man: Sold!

A few days later, the dad says to the boy to “grab his gloves, go outside and play some catch”.

Boy: I can’t. I sold my baseball and my glove.

Dad: How much did you sell it for?

Boy: $1,000

Dad: That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church. Go to confession.”

They go to the church and the dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

Boy: Dark in here.

Priest: Don’t start that shit again. You’re in my closet now.

The honeymoons

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A mom had three virgin daughters who were all getting married in quick succession.  As the mother was concerned about their first experiences, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words about what transpired.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.  The card said nothing but “MAXWELL COFFEE”.

The mother was puzzled at first. Then she went to her kitchen and found the Maxwell Coffee can.  It said: “GOOD TILL THE LAST DROP”

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Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans”.

The mother found her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the pack: “KING SIZE”

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She was slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand.  Mom waited for week, nothing.  Another week went by and still nothing.  Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words, “Air New Zealand”

Mom took out her latest YOU Magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said: “TEN TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS”.

Mom fainted.

The birthday wish

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Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.  Her birthday was coming up and she though this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

But Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker.  She had gotten into trouble at school and at home.  Carol’s mom asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday.  Little Carol, of course (as any little child would), thought she did!

Carol’s mom, being a Catholic, wanted her to reflect on,  her behaviour over the last year.  She told Little Carol to write a letter to God and tell Him why she deserved a bike for her birthday.  Little Carol frowned and stomped up the steps to her room, sat down, and began to write a letter to God.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I’ve been a very good little girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.  I want a red one.

Your friend,

Carol

But Carol knew this wasn’t true.  She had not been a very good girl this year.  So she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Carol  I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true either.  She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I know I haven’t been a good girl this year.  I am very sorry.  I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter wasn’t going to get her a bike.  By now, she was very upset and angry.  She went downstairs and told her mother she was going to the nearby church.  Carol’s mom thought her plan had worked because Carol looked pretty sad.

“Just be home in time for dinner”, her mom said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.  She looked around to see if anyone was there.  She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacked with her rickety bulky body running out of the church, down the street, into her house and up her room.  Panting, she shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

Letter 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANTT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

The lawyers and the engineers

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Essex-Steam-Train-Conductor

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.  At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers purchase only ONE ticket.

One of the three lawyers asked.  “How are three people going to travel on only ONE ticket?”

One of the engineers replied, “watch and you’ll see.”

The all board the train.  The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the restroom door and says, “ticket please!”  The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.  The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea!

After the conference, the lawyers decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.  When they get to the station, they but a single ticket for the return trip.  To their astonishment, the engineers were just sitting in the boarding area and when they boarded, the lawyers realised that the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all!

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?”, asks one very perplexed lawyer.

“Watch and you’ll see”, says one of the engineers.

When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.  The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding, and knocks on the door…”ticket please“!