He’s not going to get sex

A friend of mine was sharing a “moment” with me.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  The passion begins to heat up and while we’re almost at it, she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it.  I just want to hold you. ”

I said, “WHAT THE FUCK?!?! What was that?!?!?”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear. “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled looked by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am an not what I do in the bedroom?”

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep nursing a painful erection.

The next day, I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her.  We went to a nice lunch in a fancy restaurant and then went shopping at a very posh department store.  I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.  She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all.  She was giggling with delight and seemed so happy.  As a matter of fact, it’s the happiest I have seen of her since we got engaged.  Then she said she wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes.  I replied, “let’s get a pair for each outfit!”

Then we went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.  Let me tell you, she was sooooo excited.  She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck.  I started to think that she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “that’s fine sweetheart.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all the excitement.  Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear.  Let’s go to the cashier!”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped and all the clothes and shoes and jewellery fell on the floor and she screamed with a baffled, “WHAT!?!?!?!”

I then said, “Honey, I just want to HOLD this stuff for awhile.  You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

And just stormed out of the store.

My friend wanted some advice about the incident.

I replied, “Apparently, you’re not having sex tonight or any night from now on.”

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