The Martian

A young couple, John and Jane, were awakened one night because of a strange sound coming from the back of their farmhouse. They were surprised at the strange spacecraft and figured that the two strangers that stepped out of the spacecraft were from another planet. True enough they were from Mars.

After welcoming the Martians into their home, they talk about all sorts of things including the stock market, computers, what they eat, etc. Finally, Jane brings up the subject of sex.

Jane: So how do you guys to it?

Male Martian (MM): Pretty much the way you Earthlings do.

The discussion ensues and finally the couples agree to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Jane and the male martian go off to a bedroom and the Martian strips. He’s only got a teeny, weeny member half an inch long and a quarter size thick.

Jane: I don’t think this is going to work.

MM: Why? What’s the matter?

Jane: Well it’s just not long enough to reach me.

MM: No problem.

And the male martian proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows in length until it is impressively long.

Jane: Well that’s quite impressive but it’s pretty narrow.

MM: No problem.

And the male martian proceeds to pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire member is extremely exciting to Jane.

Jane: Wow!

And they fell into bed and made passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and to separate ways. After the aliens left Earth, John and Jane have a conversation.

John: Well was it any good?

Jane: I hate to say it, but it was wonderful! Had the best sex of my life! How about you?

John: It was the worst sex I’ve ever had! All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!

How to get away with murder

A woman driver was pulled over by a policeman.

Woman (W): Is there a problem officer?

Police (P): You were over-speeding.

W: Really?

P: Can I see your drivers license?

W: I don’t have one.

P: You don’t have one? Why are you even driving?

W: I had but it got suspended because I’ve been apprehended four times for drunk driving.

P: Oh. Can I see your vehicle registration papers?

W: I don’t have any.

P: Why not?

W: I stole this car.

P: Stole it?!? 😳

W: Yes. And I killed and chopped up the owner into pieces 😈

P: What?!?!

W: His body parts are in plastic bags and I dumped them at the trunk of the car. You want to see them? 😈

The policeman looks at the woman and slowly backs away from the car, goes back to his car and calls for help and back up. Within 5 minutes other police cars arrive and circle the car of the woman. A senior police officer slowly approaches the woman’s car with his gun half drawn.

Policeman 2 (P2): Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

W: Is there a problem?

P2: The policeman over there tells us you stole the car and murdered the owner.

W: Murdered the owner?

P2: Yes. Can you please open the trunk of your car?

The woman steps out of her car and goes to open the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

P2: Is this your car ma’am?

W: Yes. Here are the registration papers.

The first policeman is stunned.

P2: That policeman over there says you were driving without a license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a purse and hands it to the policeman who inspects the purse and finds her drivers license!

P2: Thank you ma’am. That policeman told us that you didn’t have a license, you stole this car and you murdered the owner.

W: I’m sure he also told you I was stopped for over speeding. 😝

Dear Doctor

An old lady goes to the doctor.

Old lady: Doctor, I keep farting but my farts are silent and odourless. In fact I have farted 20 times since I was in your office. Since my farts are noiseless and don’t smell, you’ve not noticed it.

Doctor: Here let me make a prescription for you. But these and take it and come back after a week.

After a week the old lady comes back.

Old lady: I don’t know what was in those pills you gave me doctor, but my farts though still silent, stink like hell!

Doctor: Excellent! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.

The Italian Son

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, because the ground was hard.  His only son Vincent, who used to help him was in prison.  One day, the old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling depressed lately because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year.  I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  I know if you were here, my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa

Don’t dig up that garden.  That’s where the bodies are buried

Love,

Vinnie

At 4AM the next day, the FBI agents surrounded the house of the old man and local police arrived and dug up the entire area but found no bodies.  They apologised to the old man and left.  The following day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead an plant the tomatoes now.  That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie.

Humor me

They say that laughter is the best medicine.

I thought of sharing some of humor this month hoping that it would lighten the various darker (and difficult) moments we encounter these days.

Laughter is one of life’s simple joys. Laughter releases the feelings of anger, tension, anxiety, fear and guilt. It is that reason that even for a moment, humor brings back the relative joys in our daily grind.

The daily grind often puts too much serious sh*t into our daily lives that at times it becomes not only stressful but depressing too. Notice that after a hard days work or even at the office, our burden feels lighter when there is humor, smile and laughter.

Comedy even in its most slapstick format and while it is humor at its worse still provides laughter.

So this weekend, instead of watching those stressful dramas, kick off your shoes, relax and grab some dose of comedy shows.

As they say, a good laugh relieves a lot of hurts. Laugh when you can. Smile when you should. Be kind more often. Enjoy life. Because it’s the only one we have.

(NB. The humor posts for the month are not original. I am rewriting some of them, and posting it. If you like it, share it with some friends today and make someone smile.)