reflection

Walking away from the storms of our lives

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Have you ever had those moments when you had to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea? Or when it rains, it really pours?

I’m sure we’ve all had a couple and believe me when I say that the most difficult crossroad is the decision of walking away from that storm with your sanity intact.

These storms serve as reminders on humility, justice, morality, or simply the belief in the goodness of humanity. God places them to serve as lighthouses of our journeys in life.

No matter how you look at it, even storms have a purpose. Not all storms are meant to destroy. They also demolish the demons in our lives and clear the path so that we can start fresh, or anew.

And while all beginnings are hard, the way forward after the storm is to walk head up. There is no use battling the storm. We all end up bruised, hurt, or dead.

Some battles are just not ours to fight.

Walk away.

The daily grind

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When I was growing up I always wondered why my father had to wake up so early in the day. He’d be up at 430am to get ready to go to work. By the time I was going to school, I’d usually hitch a ride with my dad. He’d drop me off and most of the days, he’d also pick me up after classes on the way home.

It was his daily grind.

And he’d always say, “I owe I owe so off to work I go.”

We don’t realize what most parents go through to place food on the table, send their kids to school, put a roof over their head, worry about the clothes on their backs while chasing their dreams.

Back then when the internet and the technological revolution was still intangible, the daily grind was a much slower process. It was like watching life evolve in slow motion.

Friends were actual people who played with and shared your most intimate and despicable moments with. They made you cry, laugh, and love at different phases in your life.

And then there was work. Not being subservient to the Internet had its pros and cons. (And that’s another topic altogether). The upside was that the skills I developed as a clinician was truly one that I would treasure. My generation, was the last of the dinosaurs.

Fast forward to today, I’d say that I’ve almost come full circle. Slowing down has crossed my mind gazillion times. The adrenaline rush of work and anxiety is a rollercoaster ride that’s taking a toll on my daily grind. And the years have made me gradually feel the aftermath.

And I remember my dad. He passed away at an early age of 59. I miss him a lot. Especially those moments spent with him. Because he was too busy providing, he eventually suffered two strokes and passed away. Too soon.

As we venture into another year, it’s time to reflect on whether I will let the daily grind affect the moments in my life that I will miss.

Remember, there is never a rewind button in our lives. If we let the daily grind miss out on what is essential, we would have life pass us by.

Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory. – Dr Seuss

3 weddings and 7 funerals

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That’s the number of celebrations of life…and death of friends in 2017.

The beginning of 2018 marked the passing of the mom of a colleague. A depressing and somber mood to greet new beginnings.

I recall the story of the conversation between life and death.

Life asked death, why do people love me but hate you?

Death responded, because you are a beautiful lie and I’m a painful truth.

The cycle of life, and sadly, death, begins as soon as one is born. The older one lives in society, the more celebrations of life and death one encounters. Time has a way of showing us who and what matters in life. It also reminds us of joy of beginnings and the pains in letting go.

We all want happy moments. It is human nature to expect that. To most of us, celebrations are made up of these happy days – birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions, marriages, Christmases. Moments where “gift giving” is an obligatory event. Most of us avoid discussing death as a celebration.

I’d like to think that death, as dreary and morbid as he may seem is an obligatory event that’s worth celebrating. It provides us the opportunity to remember all the good and bad journeys of the person. It provides closure to life, no matter how short or how long it is shared with others. No matter how difficult or comfortable life was, death will always be the final book that the person wrote in his lifetime.

Albert Camus once said “there is a life and there is a death, and there are beauty and melancholy between.”

Chasing choices

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A universal paradox is “you’re free to choose but you’re not free from the consequences of your choice.”

Between work and family, there are days when it’s really difficult to do a balancing act with our lives. You know how you have those days where your boss suddenly out of nowhere calls for a meeting pronto, but it’s the same time as your daughter’s ballet recital or son’s basketball game – and you have the tug-of-war decision to either put food on the table or keep a promise to your children.

We’re living in different times that make choices in life a challenging one.

Whether it’s the food you eat (organic or fast food) or the friends we make or the company we keep or the places we explore…the choices are vast and ours to make.

The abundance of choices provides us the profound freedom to explore and to do what we want. And this freedom, while at times abused, provides us the happiness to revel in the choices and consequences of such choice.

Someone once said that there are three C’s in our lives that matter. Choice, chance and change.

“You must make the choice, to take the chance, if you want anything in life to change.”

Everyday is a new day that provides us an opportunity to reflect on the choices, the chances and yes, the changes we want in our lives.

And don’t feel bad about making decisions that may not be popular or even upset others. Remember: you’re not responsible for their happiness. Only your own.

Make the choice today.

In search for inner peace

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Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace.

Some days are pure joy. And then there are those that just stressful. But life’s like that. No one ever said that life is a bed of roses!

The Dalai Lama tells us not to let the behavior of others destroy our inner peace. Of course, it’s easier said than done. When you think that you’re just having a great day, someone or some incident comes along to break up the party.

But life’s like that! I’ve always said that the anatomy of disappointments are expectations. While it is good that we think positive and expect the best out of our efforts, there are just some circumstances that don’t make all things turn out the way we desire.

I’ve had some humbling moments. Moments when all along my wishes and dreams were a straight path, the outcomes don’t turn out the way I wanted.

But what we want planned doesn’t end up the way we want. Seriously, we end up where we are because at some crossroad in our life when we needed to make a choice we ended up making a decision and arriving at where we are. How we handle where we end up is how we face our inner fears or inner peace.

Inner peace is a difficult process to achieve. But not impossible. Every event can be taken as a glass half full or half empty. Finding a silver lining even in our worst days is the goal to achieving inner peace.

Remember – things happen for a purpose. That’s why I believe that even joy is relative.

What we give to the universe is what the universe gives back to us.

Be the reason someone believes in the good of people and inner peace will be good karma to all who believe.

Not today, f*cker

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And yes I curse.

It’s part of my nature. And yours as well. Well, yeah. We can argue that we should choose more “appropriate” words. True. But there will be days that I (or you) won’t give a fuck.

If there’s one book I’d encourage everyone to get, it’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson. It’s not your everyday feel good, be nice kind of book. It’s an in-your-face book that makes you look at life the way we should.

I enjoyed the description of entitled people. The kind of people I loathe. Mason describes fictionally, Jimmy, an entitled SOB. “Jimmy…feels as though he deserves good things without actually earning them. He believes he should be able to be rich without actually working for it. He believes he should be liked and well-connected without actually helping anyone. He believes he should have an amazing lifestyle without actually sacrificing anything.”

“People like Jimmy become so fixated on feeling good about themselves that they manage to delude themselves into believing that they are accomplishing great things even when they’re not…”

“Entitled people exude a delusional degree of self-confidence…but the problem with entitlement is that it makes people need to feel good about themselves all the time, even at the expense of those around them. And because entitled people always need to feel good about themselves, they end up spending most of their time thinking about themselves. After all, it takes a lot of energy and work to convince yourself that your shit doesn’t stink, especially when you’ve been living in a toilet.”

“…People who feel entitled view every occurrence in their life as either an affirmation of, or a threat to, their own greatness. If something good happens to them, it’s because of some amazing feat they accomplished. If something bad happens to them, it’s because somebody is jealous and trying to bring them down a notch. People who are entitled delude themselves into whatever feeds their sense of superiority. They keep their mental facade standing at all costs, even if it sometimes requires being physically or emotionally abusive to those around them.”

Entitled is not happiness.

Today, learn to say NO to those feeling entitled around you.

You’ll do yourself and others a favor in making the world a better place by saying f*ck sh*t to them.

I’m smiling, but you’re not the reason anymore

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If you’re searching for a reason to leave, stop. The search is a reason.

I recall when we were growing up, we thought of the New Year as an opportune time to make changes in our lives.

A little drama here and there. A few promises and swears. I promise you, it’s the first few days or weeks of the year that you see some “magical change” in some people.

Old habits are just hard to break. And the cycle (well more or less) begins again. Promises, after all, are made to be broken.

So here’s my take on resolutions.

First, it’s got to be something you promise yourself because you know that it’s doable. No matter how painful, it needs to get done. Searching for a reason is a sign.

Second, is it’s a priority. If you had to choose between a fucked up love life or relationship, a shitty job that’s too painful to even wake up to, or a weird family to contend with each day, which would be the least of all evil to deal with? I’m not telling you which you should choose. It’s your life after all.

Third, and oddly I’d give advise, is you’ve got to balance which ones you can fix and which ones are not repairable. There are those that diplomacy or a bit of tact can solve. Then there are, after all, lost causes. Doesn’t matter whether you conjure the devil, it’s just hell having to contend with it day in and day out. It’s true when they say, misery loves company.

Finally, it’s just honor and pride in the end. You know the feeling of being treated like dirt shit? Well, been there and done that. You need to walk away from these situations. They’re deadly and they’ll leave you stressed and hating yourself.

Fair reminder. The more days you waste resolving these issues, the more regretful you become with yourself for not making decisions sooner. Procrastinating the inevitable is shit thrown at you and you liking it.

I’m making my resolution. I’m going to smile again. And yes, it’s not because of you.

Finding Happy

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Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.

We all want to be happy.

Here’s the catch.  The world isn’t kind enough to grant this wish all the time.

Take the parents who’ve wanted a child for the last ten years.  After so many attempts, they finally have a baby, only to discover that he has congenital birth defects.  No matter what the quality of life of this child will be, or how short-lived it is, there is no doubt that both parents and child will share that relative joy.

Or the husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend or lifetime partners who are going through confusing times need to resolve their relationship issues.  Being unhappy in a relationship that attempts to struggle at staying together because one does not want to hurt another one’s feelings is unfair for both parties.

People are miserable by nature. It doesn’t take a lot to make someone happy.  The poor store clerk who stole a can of canned good because he was hungry, the old woman who begs at the doorstep of the church to buy medicines for an ailing husband, the rich teenager who seems to have every material thing he could want for but has parents who are separated and feels unloved, the beautiful actress who is popular and yet is suffering from cancer. Yes, we are all miserable by nature.  But finding happiness is our purpose in life.

Finding happy starts with our disposition.  We all have crosses to bear. They are of equal magnitude.  Only the circumstances differ. Until we’ve felt hunger like the boy or heartache like the woman whose whole family suffered a catastrophic demise, or unloved and lonely in this world, we really won’t know what it feels like to be happy.

I am not an inspirational writer. And I am not writing this to give you advice. I’m writing this to make you realise that we all have challenges in our lives. It’s normal to be angry, go into denial, bargain with God or the devil, then finally accept our fate.

Learn to accept what the mind already knows. The heart will adapt. No matter how painful it takes to be happy.

 

Chapter 1 – Tokyo Stories

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When my mom turned 80 this year, she insisted that our family trip should be to Tokyo, Japan.

My mom is a strong woman who took care of my father who suffered from a stroke due to complications of diabetes. When my father got sick, my mom had to find means to make ends meet. Medicines and therapy for my father did not come cheap. When my father passed away 23 years ago, she was devastated.

Our family is not perfect.  We have dysfunctional moments.  The last five years has been most difficult.  My mother began to deteriorate in her ambulation.  I guess we need to be thankful that her mind is functioning well, but you can tell that age has taken a toll on her.  Her agility is now challenged with a quad and a wheelchair.  There were moments she’d look into your eyes through her cataract glazed eyes with questions and hints of sadness over her condition.

She’s irritatingly repetitive and yet beautiful in her own quirky ways. She’s needy to the point of clingy but thoughtful in her own quiet ways. I get to lose my patience only because work supersedes the attention she desires.  There were (and still are) tug-of-war moments between work and her needs. The work-balance relationship (especially with my work in government) is a work in progress.

This trip to Tokyo wasn’t an easy one to arrange.  It’s cold, crowded, and transportation is expensive (no kidding).  I’m sorry (not!) if I blew my top at Philippine Airlines (on Facebook) when they decided to change the aircraft configuration two weeks before our travel! While airlines do what they do for the sake of profit, I’m pretty sure that if it was owned by the government, the airline would have gotten pummelled with all the insults on social media.

Arriving in Tokyo through Haneda Airport was the better choice.  The airport isn’t as crowded as Narita and it’s nearer to Tokyo than arriving through Narita. I arranged for a limousine from the hotel to pick us up. It would be impossible to travel on the train with her and our luggages filled with her pampers, her quads, and her wheelchair in tow in the cold winter!

This trip was all about Inang. As requested.

She had her photo-op with Hachiko.  Her crossing (on a wheelchair) at Shibuya at 9pm.  Her enjoying ramen in a quaint dining area where ramen was ordered through a vendo machine.  She loved the Muji shop in Ginza. Ate with gusto at Shake Shack in Maranouchi. Had snacks at Dominique Ansel in Omotesando.  Bought trinkets and souvenirs in Harajuku.  Enjoyed the cake and tea at Laduree in Shinjuku. Shopped relentlessly at Takashimaya. Watched the flurries from out hotel window on a cloudy Saturday.  And yes, see Mt. Fuji each break of day from her bedroom!

What did this trip teach me?

My mom is now old and frail. Whatever moments we can spend with her while her senses are still intact, will always be the goal.  We watch her move much slower now, as she needs more assistance when moving.  Doze off more often.  Eat much less.  It’s the sad reality of life.

As I write this first blog of the year watching the sunrise and Mt. Fuji from our room in Tokyo, with my mom snoring in the warm bed at 7am, I cannot help but smile and say, thank God for another year.  We made it mom!

This, is my Relative Joy.

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P.S. You may want to read about Inang in this link on my other blog.

“Do what is right”

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When President Duterte advised his son Paolo, the vice-mayor of Davao City regarding the latter’s plan to resign from public office, he simply said, “Do what is right”.

Doing what is right can only be achieved if one is conscious between what is right from wrong.  Having worked in the private sector before joining the government has made me aware that it’s more difficult to address the grey areas of decision making in the public compared to private companies.  When I used to be in the academe and the private sector, I scorned at every inept decision made by our public officials.  (I still do, but that’s a different story altogether.) The level of accountability is far heavier and higher in government compared to private corporations.

Today, I am more understanding, a bit more patient, and yes, working for the government for the last 11 1/2 months has provided the insight and enlightenment I needed.  Believe me when I say that describing the bureaucracy as “being complicated” is an understatement.

Government workers and officials work under the public’s microscope.  Everyone is your boss.  If there are skeletons in your closet, this is not the kind of job you’d want to be in, no matter how noble your intentions are.  As a public official, dirty linen when washed in public can be taken out of context, feasted upon by social and mainstream media, and your lives are not the same any more. More often than not, the public official is the bad guy and private Juan is the underdog.

Duterte is correct.  The stress is not commensurate to the pay.

Why then work for the government?

I’d like to believe the reason why many people work for the government is because they see the opportunity at improving each agency they serve.  Let’s face it, even the crocodiles we complain about in government are present in the private sector.  We just don’t complain as much when Globe Telecom fucks up our bills by overcharging us by P200 or when Citibank lets us know that beginning a few months from now, all credit cards will have annual dues or when Philippine Airlines decides to downgrade the plane and your original seat on Premium Economy Class is pushed to the back of the plane.  That’s because it’s easy for these private corporations to internally change the rules of the game, making the same crocodiles look like lizards.  Give the whining idiots additional perks or freebies and shut the mother fuckers up! That, my dear friends is how these companies fix their problems.  Unfortunately, the government cannot offer more than an apology and the promise to fix your problems because they are accountable to other agencies in the government.  Any free offer and it’s considered a bribe. Even good people are swallowed up in the complicated web of bureaucracy. There are no shades of grey in the government.  It’s either black or white. And fuck shit that!

Today marks the last day of 2017.  Reflecting on a year that was, we make resolutions for 2018.  Another year of change.  A chance to “do what is right”, whether we work for the government or for the private sector.  Or simply turning a new leaf with our families, our love life, our responsibilities and obligations.

Martin Luther King, Jr once said, “The time is always right to do what is right.”

Doing what is right.  Not what is easy.