The confession

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband suddenly comes home. She puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is in there.

Boy: It’s dark in here.

Man: Yes it is.

Boy: I have a baseball…

Man: That’s nice.

Boy: Want to buy it?

Man: No thanks

Boy: My dad’s outside.

Man: Okay, how much is it?

Boy: $250

In the next few weeks, it happens a again. The boy and the lover are in the closet again!

Boy: Dark in here!

Man: Yes it is!

Boy: I have a baseball glove.

The lover, remembering the last time they were in the closet together, knew what the boy was going to say next.

Man: How much?

Boy: $750

Man: Sold!

A few days later, the dad says to the boy to “grab his gloves, go outside and play some catch”.

Boy: I can’t. I sold my baseball and my glove.

Dad: How much did you sell it for?

Boy: $1,000

Dad: That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church. Go to confession.”

They go to the church and the dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

Boy: Dark in here.

Priest: Don’t start that shit again. You’re in my closet now.

The honeymoons

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A mom had three virgin daughters who were all getting married in quick succession.  As the mother was concerned about their first experiences, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words about what transpired.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.  The card said nothing but “MAXWELL COFFEE”.

The mother was puzzled at first. Then she went to her kitchen and found the Maxwell Coffee can.  It said: “GOOD TILL THE LAST DROP”

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Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans”.

The mother found her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the pack: “KING SIZE”

rothmans ,collection,cigarettes,paquet,tabac (2)

She was slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand.  Mom waited for week, nothing.  Another week went by and still nothing.  Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words, “Air New Zealand”

Mom took out her latest YOU Magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said: “TEN TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS”.

Mom fainted.

The birthday wish

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Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.  Her birthday was coming up and she though this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

But Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker.  She had gotten into trouble at school and at home.  Carol’s mom asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday.  Little Carol, of course (as any little child would), thought she did!

Carol’s mom, being a Catholic, wanted her to reflect on,  her behaviour over the last year.  She told Little Carol to write a letter to God and tell Him why she deserved a bike for her birthday.  Little Carol frowned and stomped up the steps to her room, sat down, and began to write a letter to God.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I’ve been a very good little girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.  I want a red one.

Your friend,

Carol

But Carol knew this wasn’t true.  She had not been a very good girl this year.  So she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Carol  I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true either.  She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I know I haven’t been a good girl this year.  I am very sorry.  I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter wasn’t going to get her a bike.  By now, she was very upset and angry.  She went downstairs and told her mother she was going to the nearby church.  Carol’s mom thought her plan had worked because Carol looked pretty sad.

“Just be home in time for dinner”, her mom said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.  She looked around to see if anyone was there.  She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacked with her rickety bulky body running out of the church, down the street, into her house and up her room.  Panting, she shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

Letter 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANTT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

The lawyers and the engineers

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Essex-Steam-Train-Conductor

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.  At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers purchase only ONE ticket.

One of the three lawyers asked.  “How are three people going to travel on only ONE ticket?”

One of the engineers replied, “watch and you’ll see.”

The all board the train.  The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the restroom door and says, “ticket please!”  The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.  The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea!

After the conference, the lawyers decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.  When they get to the station, they but a single ticket for the return trip.  To their astonishment, the engineers were just sitting in the boarding area and when they boarded, the lawyers realised that the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all!

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?”, asks one very perplexed lawyer.

“Watch and you’ll see”, says one of the engineers.

When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.  The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding, and knocks on the door…”ticket please“!

Tips para magkasya ang P10k/month para isang pamilya (maaaring may savings pa!)

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(First, let me apologize to my foreign readers that I have to write this in the Filipino vernacular. It is, after all, the latest issue in our country. Second is a background regarding why this is even a topic that’s being jeered or cheered is that allegedly, an undersecretary of the National Economic Development Authority [NEDA] had suggested that a Filipino family of five living in the Philippines can actually live off P10,000 a month. That’s $190.50 a month or $6.35 a day! Of that amount, P3,500 is appropriated for food. That’s $67 a month to feed 5 mouths or $2.25 a day for a family of 5. Of course anyone will actually consider that this kind of thinking is doable is a looney bag. But is it doable? Here’s the take that I’m actually borrowing from the Internet! Share if you wish. Your feedback is always appreciated.)

1. Kapag mag ulam ng instant noodles, dagdagan ng dalawang tabo na sabaw. 😃

2. Isang latang sardinas + isang tabong tubig + reta retasong pechay o repolyo na maaaring mapulot sa palengke. 😂

3. Huwag mamasahe. Maglakad ka mula Cavite hanggang Quezon City. 🚶‍♀️

4. Ugaliing may stock ng paracetamol. Kahit yata cancer, kayang gamutin yan. 😂

5. Ang isang diaper ni baby at lolo o lola ay maaaring labhan ng dalawampung beses at isampay. 🍼

6. Ulo ng tuyo sa umaga at yung buntot itabi para sa pananghalian. 🤣

7. Ugaliing may nakaipit na tuyo o sapsap sa pitaka. ☹️

8. Mag stock ng instant pansit canton para kung sakaling may darating na espesyal na bisita (halimbawa, Mayor o Congressman). 😂

9. Huwag gumamit ng kuryente o LPG. Balik muna sa gasera at panggatong. 😈

10. Siguraduhing may isang garapon ng asin sa bahay. 😜

Little old lady

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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

GMP-Lee-Cullen

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and asked.  “Ma’am, excuse me.  There are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

Old lady: Oh really? Damn! I’d better go back and see if I can find them.  Thank you for telling me officer!

Police: Well now, not so fast. Where did you get all that money? Did you steal the money?

Old lady: Oh no! No sir! You see, my back yard is right next the football stadium parking lot.  On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.  It used to really piss me off.  Kills the flowers and plants, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So now, when there are games in the stadium, I stand behind the fend by the know hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.  Every time some guy by sticks his dick through my fence, I surprise him by grabbing hold of his penis, show him the hedge clippers and say, “Okay you prick, give me $20 or it comes off”!

Police: Well that seems only fair (laughing)! Okay.  Good luck!…Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?

Old lady: Well, you know officer…not everybody pays…

The nurse

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

With the patient struggling to talk from behind the mask, he mumbles, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed the student nurse retorts, “I don’t know. I’m just here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, can you check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that the patient’s blood pressure and heart rate may be elevated from worrying over his testicles, the student nurse overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis with one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and after some gentle manipulation around the area says, “there’s nothing wrong with them sir! They look fine.”

The man struggles up, pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and very slowly says, “thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now. Listen very very carefully. ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK ?”

The Martian

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A young couple, John and Jane, were awakened one night because of a strange sound coming from the back of their farmhouse. They were surprised at the strange spacecraft and figured that the two strangers that stepped out of the spacecraft were from another planet. True enough they were from Mars.

After welcoming the Martians into their home, they talk about all sorts of things including the stock market, computers, what they eat, etc. Finally, Jane brings up the subject of sex.

Jane: So how do you guys to it?

Male Martian (MM): Pretty much the way you Earthlings do.

The discussion ensues and finally the couples agree to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Jane and the male martian go off to a bedroom and the Martian strips. He’s only got a teeny, weeny member half an inch long and a quarter size thick.

Jane: I don’t think this is going to work.

MM: Why? What’s the matter?

Jane: Well it’s just not long enough to reach me.

MM: No problem.

And the male martian proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows in length until it is impressively long.

Jane: Well that’s quite impressive but it’s pretty narrow.

MM: No problem.

And the male martian proceeds to pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire member is extremely exciting to Jane.

Jane: Wow!

And they fell into bed and made passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and to separate ways. After the aliens left Earth, John and Jane have a conversation.

John: Well was it any good?

Jane: I hate to say it, but it was wonderful! Had the best sex of my life! How about you?

John: It was the worst sex I’ve ever had! All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!

How to get away with murder

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A woman driver was pulled over by a policeman.

Woman (W): Is there a problem officer?

Police (P): You were over-speeding.

W: Really?

P: Can I see your drivers license?

W: I don’t have one.

P: You don’t have one? Why are you even driving?

W: I had but it got suspended because I’ve been apprehended four times for drunk driving.

P: Oh. Can I see your vehicle registration papers?

W: I don’t have any.

P: Why not?

W: I stole this car.

P: Stole it?!? 😳

W: Yes. And I killed and chopped up the owner into pieces 😈

P: What?!?!

W: His body parts are in plastic bags and I dumped them at the trunk of the car. You want to see them? 😈

The policeman looks at the woman and slowly backs away from the car, goes back to his car and calls for help and back up. Within 5 minutes other police cars arrive and circle the car of the woman. A senior police officer slowly approaches the woman’s car with his gun half drawn.

Policeman 2 (P2): Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

W: Is there a problem?

P2: The policeman over there tells us you stole the car and murdered the owner.

W: Murdered the owner?

P2: Yes. Can you please open the trunk of your car?

The woman steps out of her car and goes to open the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

P2: Is this your car ma’am?

W: Yes. Here are the registration papers.

The first policeman is stunned.

P2: That policeman over there says you were driving without a license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a purse and hands it to the policeman who inspects the purse and finds her drivers license!

P2: Thank you ma’am. That policeman told us that you didn’t have a license, you stole this car and you murdered the owner.

W: I’m sure he also told you I was stopped for over speeding. 😝

Dear Doctor

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An old lady goes to the doctor.

Old lady: Doctor, I keep farting but my farts are silent and odourless. In fact I have farted 20 times since I was in your office. Since my farts are noiseless and don’t smell, you’ve not noticed it.

Doctor: Here let me make a prescription for you. But these and take it and come back after a week.

After a week the old lady comes back.

Old lady: I don’t know what was in those pills you gave me doctor, but my farts though still silent, stink like hell!

Doctor: Excellent! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.