Relative Joy

A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.  When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued rummaging through the house.

Just as he pulled the flat screen TV out so he could disconnect the wires from the home sound system, clear as a bell he hear, “Jesus is watching you.”

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.  Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?”, he hissed at the parrot.

“Yes”, the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.”

The burglar relaxed.  “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses”, replied the bird.

“Moses?”, the burglar laughed.  “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus”, Moses replied.

A husband is at home watching a basketball game when his wife interrupts. “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light?” Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well then could you fix the door of the refrigerator?  It won’t close right.”, she asks.

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Samsung written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine”, she says.  “Then can you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says.  “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you.  I’m going out to the bar for beer!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.  He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.  As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.  As he enters the house, he sees the hallway light is working.  As he goes to get a bottle of beer in the refrigerator, he notices the ref door is fixed.  “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sad outside and cried.  Just then a nice young man was passing by and asked me what was wrong, and I told him.  He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake.”

He said, “So what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Helloooooooo….do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

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And a Happy Father’s Day to all the husbands out there!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl replied, “But Jonah was swallowed by a whale!”

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale cannot swallow a human.  It was physically impossible.

The little girl replied, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” (snickering on the side)

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him!”

A religion school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old students.  After explaining the commandment to “HONOR” thy father and they mother, the teacher asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat, one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.  She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her dark brown hair.  She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of you hair white mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hair turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for awhile and then said, “Mom, how come ALL of grandma’s hair are white?”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  “Just think of how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer’, or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor’!”

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood.  Trying to make the subject matter clearer, she say, “Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes!”, the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”, replied the teacher.

A young boy shouted, “Because your feet ain’t empty!”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.  At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: “TAKE ONLY ONE.  GOD IS WATCHING.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  A child had written a note: “TAKE ALL YOU WANT.  GOD IS WATCHING THE APPLES.”