reflection

Isolophilia

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There are days that just weigh you down.

Figuratively and literally.

And we need to take a respite from all the burden of work, home, relationships and life itself.  Someone once said that being alone is a lonely number.  I told them that once in a while, looking out for number one keeps your sanity in check.

One needs to contemplate on solitude as providing respite to the mind, body and spirit.  After all, we all work to enjoy life.  When all that work becomes a necessary ending to simply living without knowing why we work, we miss out on the opportunities to create memories that serve to inspire us to strive harder for some “me time”.

Remember:

Take every chance you get in life…because some things only happen once.

And so I close July with more than 10,000 visitors, with almost 15,000 views on over 200 posts… thank you for following because I’m writing this for you.

I hope you enjoy my August blogs on my Travel Stories, where I find my isophilia moments. It’s time to recharge.

Positivity

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It’s been raining for the last three weeks.  I mean, literally raining.  The city is drenched.  Kids have barely gone to school for the month.  Traffic is at an all time worst.  Gas is literally painful to pay.  Prices of commodities have gone up significantly. The peso has seen a drop in the exchange rate.

There’s really not a lot of positive vibes one can see each week.  Some friends of mine tell me they don’t even listen to the news lately.  During dinner at home, and we’re able to catch the news, my mom looks at the screen and comments “isn’t there any good news anymore?”

And I couldn’t help but agree. The only good news you see are that of the actors and actresses whose lives seem to prosper, in spite of the harder economic situation in the country.

This blog post takes a respite from the negativity and hope that some thoughts here will provide a more positive outlook during desperate times.

On past relationships and the comeback attempts

When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you.

Remember – been there, done that.  If someone has hurt you enough to let go, then you’re a masochist to want to relive that past.  Moving on means loving yourself first and foremost. Someone once said, “Don’t waste your time looking back, you’re not going that way.”

Actions and reactions

When you can’t control what is happening around you, challenge yourself to control the way in which you respond.

That, is where your true power lies.

I know that it’s difficult to be scrolling down a social media article and find irresponsible, ignominious and incomprehensible comments by either trolls or die hard purveyors of fake news (no political affiliation here).  Sometimes it’s more than frustrating because you know that there’s a jerk lurking out there, who needs to get a life, because he/she is too busy “commenting” on every news article!

But rudeness should not (always) beget rudeness.  I’ve always believed that while it may be difficult to not comment on stupidity, sometimes it’s easier to let go.

Leaving

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy.

Work. Relations. Friendship.  Love.

Respect is the underlying and operative word.  When that’s gone – it’s time to leave.  No one needs to get treated like shit.  Even if there’s shit coming your way.  Every. Fucking. Day.

The good samaritan

Be the reason someone believes in the goodness of people.

If we can only change our paradigm on how to deal with human beings who are the epitome of scum, we probably would live in a better world.  But a utopian world does not exist.  Because we cannot please everyone.  Whatever challenges we face, we need to show respect to people even when they don’t deserve it.  Respect is a reflection of your character, not theirs.

What are you willing to trade to see the sun rise one more time?

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I recently had a conversation with a friend who was diagnosed to have stage IV pancreatic cancer.

Dealing with terminal illnesses take a toll on the social, economic, financial and emotional aspects of our lives. It affects not only people who are afflicted with it, but the family and closest friends as well. I guess the most unsettling part of my friend telling me  this was that he needed to know what was happening.  Why everything came so fast. Why it had to be him.  What are the treatment options? When was he going to die?

I sat there in silence, listening to him talk about the circumstances that led to him being diagnosed with the terminal illness.  He said that it all started as a tummy ache and took some medicines given out by the pharmacist in a local drug store.  But the pain never really went away.  He thought that his dieting was causing the dyspepsia and bloating and experienced some back pains a few months before this diagnosis.  He had not really taken these symptoms seriously.  After all, he was young, a frequent traveler, didn’t smoke and socially drank, a successful businessman with a beautiful family.  Too busy for anything, he sought my professional advice a few months later.  I told him that he needed to see a gastroenterologist.  The “tummy aches” and other symptoms needed a professional medical attention.  He was hesitant for a few weeks.  Busy, according to him.  Afraid, according to me.

What do you talk about when one comes face to face with death because of a terminal illness? How do you cope a rollercoaster of feelings? What do you talk about when one knows he/she is going to die?

I have no answer for these questions.  What I do know, however, is that it is difficult to face death alone. There is nothing in this world that will prepare us for the inevitable face-to-face meeting with death.  Whether it is like a thief in the night that takes someone you love suddenly, or it’s a lingering illness where suffering and pain make the journey towards dying something we look forward to – nothing prepares us to meet death.

Things we love, we will lose one day. Things we fear, we will face one day. God sometimes put us in the dark to prove He is the light. That’s why we should live life one day at a time.

I’ve often asked myself the question – what would we be willing to trade to see another sunrise or sunset? I searched my mind for a good reply but sadly found none.  Even if the journey is fraught with suffering and pain, many of us fight to have one last look at another day.

Life is a little jar of memories.

Fill it with people worth remembering.

Make it matter.

Never forget

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There are moments that are ingrained not only in our heart but in our mind as well.

…how far we’ve come

…everything we’ve gone through

…the times we’ve pushed on even when we felt we couldn’t

..,all the mornings we got out of bed even though we knew how difficult it was

…all the times we wanted to give up yet didn’t and survived another day

Never forget how much strength we’ve learned and built.

But don’t forget to pause. And smell life.

Life is about balance. Someone once said that

You don’t always need to be getting stuff done. Sometimes it’s perfectly okay, and absolutely necessary, to shut down, kick back, and do nothing.

Mean girls #PetPeeveStories

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I’m having a quiet lunch and behind me are a group of teenage girls. A squad of mean, very mean, girls.

I could not help but overhear and listen in to their rude conversation.

They were talking about

– the size of the male “appendage”one of these mean girls was going out and described how “stupid” the boy was because he had curfew from his parents and that he didn’t even smoke or drink alcohol

– why one of their classmate needed bashing from them because she was showing off how intelligent she was at class; not making others copy during an exam; was such a lousy dresser – and they agreed to make fake “people” so they can stalk her and say mean things about her (and you thought trolling was only for political use?).

– how they should spend the money one of them was able to get from her mom’s drawer (No way you did that? Yes, I did and I think we better get out of here and go watch a movie then I’ll make the driver buy us some wine and beer and we can go to my place because my parents are out and won’t be back till Sunday!)

What struck me was the fact that they’re less than 16 years old (I can tell because I know one of them but I don’t think she recalls knowing me) and what spewed out of their mouth were cruel words.

They were talking at the top of their voices. Perhaps wanting other people to hear the filth they were saying. The sad part? They were mean and had no remorse.

Mean people or bullies are everyone’s pet peeve. Unless you’re a masochist, there will always be a bunch of misfits out there trying to plot against you. (Read: online trolls who just comment and bash just because…)

Whether it is the workplace, school or even at home, meanness is a symptom of weakness and act of cowardice. They instill fear in you because they are brought up in the same environment, believing that harassment is a form of strength and survival.

RULE IS – When we allow mean people to get away with bullying us into coercion and fear, our consent is a reflection of their victory. Learning to say NO is half your victory won. Nothing is fair in this world because we let it.

Life truths

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Lifehack has a short list on hard truths which we wish we knew early on in life.

When we were young, we all wished we were adults sooner than we thought. Responsibilities. Freedom. Making money. Financially stable. Professionally made.

As adults, at times we wish we were kids again. Carefree. Dependent. Cared for. Few life stressors.

I’m sharing with you Lifehack’s 8 hard truths about life (and my personal take on these) which we wish we knew earlier:

1. Everyone you love is going to die

Sadly, no one lives forever. And while death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. So here’s to living and loving one day at a time.

2. We give our lives meaning. If you feel that your life is meaningless, that’s your fault.

Only we have the power to chart our directions in life. Only we can allow people to hurt us or violate our rights. If you allow this, you deserve what you dish out. Stop blaming others.

3. The perfect partner doesn’t exist.

We’re all idealistic. Who doesn’t want a whirlwind romantic relationship? But searching in the wrong ocean may be what you’re doing. Ideal relations are wonderful goals. Be realistic. Building a fantastic relationship takes two to tango.

4. Life is a game. Find the games you want to play, learn the rules, and find a way to be successful at the game you selected.

Or tap out if you can’t hack it.

Sorry kids. The truth is out. Life is a game. A game of chance. Sadly, the fact is, some of us don’t realise that we either sink or swim in the game called life. Like any game, there will always be cheaters. And the latter may win a game. It’s up to you if you allow it, the next round.

5. Everything ends. Youth, love, life. All will end. That’s what makes them valuable.

Cherish them while you can. Make the most out of them while you still can. Look for happiness. Martyrdom is a thing of the past. Live to love and love to be happy. We only live once. And die once as well.

6. Be romantic about the little things.

It’s more memorable that way. Attachment may be something we try to shun away from so that we don’t hurt when it’s time to say goodbyes. But memories of good times put a smile on our faces. It’s not about the hurt that we need to focus on. It’s about why fairytale “aha” moments that are remembered most.

7. Be a realist about the big things. Life isn’t a movie. You need to have a plan. Have an artist’s ambition but an engineer’s mindset.

Have you ever tried to walk away from what doesn’t fit you or doesn’t feel right and feel good after walking away? Sure you’ll be poor for awhile but hey, that’s reality. Life will never give you rainbows everyday. There will be rollercoaster rides. That’s why you need to have a plan. And if you keep getting stuck at Plan A, well tough luck. That’s probably where you’ll still be 10 years from today. Reality bites. But it is what it is.

8. Figure out a way or don’t complain

Starting all over again is not bad. It’s actually what successful people do. “Your last mistake will be your best teacher.” And that’s a fact. Life will always offer you a million chances to make you happier and a better person. Don’t regret the opportunities for change. Walk away if you must but don’t complain at where you get stuck.

Pistantrophobia and trust issues

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Don’t trust everything you see or hear, remember, even salt looks like sugar.

Trust is the most fragile feeling that makes or breaks a relationship. Whether it’s work-related or has something to do with love, trust is the intricate bond that keeps relationships together.

I’m not the kind of person that trusts easily. I usually have trust issues. It’s usually a need and want thing. You know my drift – when people want something from you, that’s the time they see a need for you. That’s right. It’s called the want and need theory. Look at the politicians. Every election time, they promise heaven and hell. Damn, some even promise to lead you to the promise land. But after you’ve voted them into office, they’re such a f*cking mess! Especially if they’re unable to deliver what they promised at the time of the campaign. (2019 is around the corner so this issue is ripe for the picking.)

When people constantly lie, we eventually develop pistantrophobia – the fear of trusting someone. It’s a knee jerk reaction to being hurt over and over.

So when I give you my unconditional trust, it means a lot. It takes a lot of truth to gain trust, but just one lie to lose it. And things don’t end up the same. Ever. You don’t look at people the same way again.

People say that lying is part of life. Part of survival mode in a dog-eat-dog world. I tell these people that this kind of thinking is hogwash. It’s a pathetic excuse by people who survive only through lies and fantasies.

“One of the worst feelings in the world is having to doubt something you thought was unquestionable.”

No need to apologise

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We don’t need to apologize for everything that happens. Oftentimes we end up being too apologetic for moments that we shouldn’t even be sorry for.

Saying no, for example, may be taken offensive by someone who demands a “yes” as a reply. Because we’re afraid to offend a friend or an employee, we give in to a “request” even if we mean saying NO rather bending rules and policies and principles in order to “please” people.

Here are some moments where apologies are not needed:

1. Loving someone

2. Saying no

3. Following your dream

4. Taking time out for yourself and your family

5. Prioritising

6. Ending a toxic relationship

7. Your imperfections

8. Standing your ground

9. Telling the truth

10. Exercising appropriate etiquette at all times

I like number 9 most of all. As Plato puts it, “no one is more hated than he who speaks the truth.”

Fear

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What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

Fear is something everyone can relate to. A feeling so ingrained in us that we lose ourselves because of fear.

It all begins and ends in our mind and what we give power to has power over us if we allow it.

There are many reasons why we are afraid.

1. We’re afraid to fail.

Failing and failure are two different events. Failing is when things don’t go our way. Failure is when we don’t try at all to succeed. If we don’t try then we won’t succeed.

2. Worry what others think

Who cares what other people think? In this day and age where social media platforms abound, many of us look for acceptance and affirmation of our actions based on “likes” or “shares”. Falling short of a positive feedback is being unkind to oneself.

3. Being stuck in the past

We all have skeletons in our closet. People who hurt us. Unpleasant experiences. Opportunities that didn’t prosper. If we allow ourselves to be stuck in the past, we’re being unfair to ourselves. There is no direction in our lives if we keep referring to the past.

4. Afraid of what’s ahead

My mom who is now turning 81 told me that at her age, her greatest fear is death. Her mind lurks in the endless thought of what could possibly still go wrong ahead. Repetitively, a scenario of doom and distress. I remind her that fear does not stop death. It stops life.

5. Fear of the unknown

There is no such thing as a crystal ball in our lives.

A favorite author of mine Thich Nhat Hanh says “people have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.”

6. Fear of Joy

Miracles begin to happen when we give as much energy to our dreams as our fears. Life is a rollercoaster ride – we can scream out of fear of enjoy the ride. But when we learn to love, fear becomes a stranger.

When you feel fear creeping up during your times of joy, remember all things you are grateful for in your life, and allow yourself to feel the joy.

Silence

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“Silence does not mean that a person quits. It simply means that one doesn’t want to argue with people who just don’t want to understand.”

I don’t know how many have heard of the Simon and Garfunkel song “The Sound of Silence”. It’s lyrics start off with:

Hello darkness, my old friend

I’ve come to talk with you again

Because a vision softly creeping

Left it’s seed while I was sleeping

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence.

The lyrics of the whole song are disturbing and yet relevant at the same time. It’s about the inability of people to communicate emotionally. Written by Paul Simon almost the same time as the assassination of JFK in 1964, the song was a dismal failure in the initial debut, which became a hit after the second and third versions were released.

Silence is a haunting and eerie emotion because one cannot understand its meaning. Similar to the music of Simon and Garfunkel, silence is a confusing state.

Silence is at times attributed to weakness. There are those who prefer to stay silent in order to avoid problems. But their silence should be taken with apprehension because it’s the shallow water that plans big moves. Remember, the noisy ones are always predictable.

“…my silence means I have adapted to the changes in my life and I don’t want to complain. My silence means I’m on a self-healing process and I’m trying to forget everything that has hurt me. My silence means I am just trying to move on gracefully with all my dignity…”