Author: kidatheart

Sarchotic

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There are days when I just like being myself.  Some of my friends tell me that I’ve mellowed over the years.  Life brings you to a point where you choose your words and try (that’s the operative word) to be politically correct. But sarcasm becomes me.  It’s a trademark that rubs into everyone.

I don’t make friends for the sake of winning Mr. Congeniality.  And I make enemies even if I don’t say anything for or against them.  To my haters, here’s my take on you:

You don’t have to die to be dead to me.  I have mental funerals on a daily basis.

And there are those that have a real attitude by rationalising what is blatantly wrong!

Don’t show me your attitude.  My BLOCK list is bigger than you FRIEND list.  Don’t forget that whatever has happened it’s because you made it happen.  Our story is like a book. You turned the page.  I burned the book.

If you think you’re being alluded to in this post, then good for you! At least you get the message.  If you’re one of those who actually follow, and like my posts, and find some of my thoughts useful in your daily lives, go ahead and share them till it reaches the idiots that need to get a life!

There are people that think that just because they’re mental, or going through issues in life, some people need to give them a slack.  Well boohoo!!! I hate to rain on your parade, but using health issues that are inexistent are a cop out when facing life’s challenges. There are legitimately mentally ill people. Don’t insult them by pretending to be mental. The solution is to seek help.  Not to drum up fairy tales in order to gain sympathy.

There’s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it’s usually a prescription.

My friends usually seek my advice when it comes to having to deal with people with personality disorders.  You get what I mean right?  A piece of advice.  You’re not the only one that has to deal with a bitch.  In our life (whether it is personal or work), there will always be the evil queen (or king) who will make our lives unbearable.  They have their own agenda.  In their own little kingdom (of their mind), they hallucinate being the saviour of mankind (or whatever fairy tale lala land they live in). And we feel like giving up because having to live with Alice in lala land is tiring – physically and emotionally.  Here’s a food for thought on those who feel like it’s game over.

Sometimes I feel like giving up.  Then I remember I have a lot of motherfuckers to prove wrong.

But you can fight your battles not in the same arena.  It’s hard to argue with stupid, especially when it’s their daily ritual. I’m sure that there are days that we’re just dying to ask

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

So here’s to reminding us about walking away from the stress of being bullied or cowed upon or even having to live with stupid or that jerk of a partner.  Walk away while you still have your sanity, pride and respect intact.  There’s a saying about a door closing and a window of opportunity opening. To me, it’s

When one door closes, sometimes you want to get a hammer and nails to make sure the bitch stays shut.

After all, my excuse today is that I’m sarchotic.

The affair

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A woman has long suspected her husband of cheating on her. One day she tells him that she’s going out of town for the weekend for a meeting and will be back in three days.

She doesn’t tell her husband what exact day she would return, hoping to catch him in the act of committing adultery.

True enough, she comes home and quietly walks into their bedroom, opens the door and from under the blanket sees four legs cross crossing one another in various positions and grunting from under the cover. In a state of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat of her son and starts hitting the blanket as hard as possible. She hears the screams but she didn’t care. She just kept hitting and hitting until she couldn’t hear screaming anymore.

When she’s done, she puts the bat down and goes down to the kitchen to get a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, drinking beer, reading a magazine with the TV in the kitchen on!

“Hi darling,” he says, “your parents have come over from the province to visit us, so I let them stay in our room! Have you said hello to them?”

The flight

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A woman and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.  After making a casual greeting, the lawyer asked if she would like to play a fun game.

The woman, tired, just wanted to take a nap.  She politely declined and rolled over to the window to catch a few winks.  The persistent lawyer explained that the game is easy.  And fun.  “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice-versa.”

She stares at him and says she decline and tries to get some sleep.

After take off, the lawyer gets agitated and says, “okay, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00. AND, if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $500.00!”

This catches the woman’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What is the distance from the Earth to the moon?”

The woman doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.  “Okay”, says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.  No answer.  He taps into the earphone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress.  No answer.  Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail.  After almost two hours into the flight, he wakes the woman and hands her $500.00.

The woman says, “Thank you”, and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who more than a bit miffed, wakes the woman and asks, “well…what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the woman reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Back at you

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So here’s to those memes who troll the internet.  Defending incompetence has never been arguably this tough.  I guess that’s because incompetence is built by other incompetent people.  Like two peas in a pod, it takes two to tango.

It’s funny (and sad) that in spite of how the political scenario evolved in the last two years, there has never been a time when the word of the year INCOMPETENCE, has really hit the core of leadership.

So here’s some reality check. And here’s saying it right BACK AT YOU…

There are 7,632,819,325 people in the world.

Why are you letting one of them ruin your life?

Yup! It’s weird how one nut job actually affects our lives.  Emotions don’t right what is wrong.  Rational thinking does.

Why, for heaven’s sake, does everything get splattered out of proportion? He says, she says, they say.  Social and mainstream media just seem to center on what are (to me) IRRELEVANT issues.

Never argue with someone who believes their own lies.

You’ll never win that argument.  It will be just one issue piled on top of another. Look at how the troll patrols (keyboard warriors) are so busy when a political issue hits the very core of incompetence. Rabid exchange of opinions and curses.

If you don’t like something, just take away its only power:

YOUR ATTENTION.

But NOOOOOOOOO!!!! We give it so much attention that it’s like flooring the gas pedal! By the time we put on the brakes, the impact would affect all the passengers.  There are bigger issues at hand.

I get it! Whatever is ongoing with the government is reportable.  Then again, there are a lot of events (good and bad) that deserve front page news as well.  But a lot of media don’t focus on what is relevant.  The intricate use of PR that spins an issue to divert other issues or praises irrelevant projects when it’s actually their job to do what they are praised for is paid advertisement.

The bad news is, a lot of people CANNOT differentiate between a paid PR (public relations) columnist who receives payment to “slant” an issue.  The newspaper will always claim that the writings of these columnists are “personal opinions” and have nothing to do with the stand of the newspaper.  That’s why these columns are found in the OP/ED (opinion/editorial) page.  Only the EDITORIAL expresses the newspaper’s or publications view towards an issue and reflects the majority vote of the editorial board.  A COLUMN is a recurring piece or article where the writer (usually part of the stable of the publication, but sometimes they invite a guest writer) expresses his/her own opinion on an issue.  The operative words here: HIS/HER OWN OPINION.

It’s sad, no, AGONIZING, that there are people who think that just because a column provides an opinion, IT IS THE GOSPEL TRUTH, and that all attention and resources should focus on this.  To those who give attention to half truths and half lies are poor in discernment.  And that, is GULLIBILITY.  (Well, alright, it’s called politics. I’m trying to be polite here.)

A good columnist is objective.  Takes no sides.  Is not biased.  Checks all the facts and gets the other side’s story.  Is not PAID for a PR job.  And it’s easy to spot a bad columnist.  They flip-flop.  They change sides easily (depending on who is in power). They have a penchant for lying through their teeth.  Their stories are never consistent.

With so much publications flying around (including this one), being a rational thinking human being in the time of digital technology can be quite challenging.  After all, we all don’t have the luxury of checking and cross validating the vast information that is being fed our way.  Most of us bank on EMOTIONS. No matter how wrong the scenario is, they just “share” away because of political survival.

Excuses are the tools of the incompetent.

We usually forget that there are only two options in decision making:

  • make progress or make excuses

I wrote about the Dunning-Kruger effect a few months ago.  To reiterate, the DK effect addresses people who are ignorant or unskilled in any area and are too inept to notice.  They end up thinking they’re far more competent than they actually are.  Big mouth, bad words, all ego.

A gentle reminder to everyone.

Friedrich Nietzsche once said “They muddy the water, to make it seem deep.”

What are you willing to trade to see the sun rise one more time?

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I recently had a conversation with a friend who was diagnosed to have stage IV pancreatic cancer.

Dealing with terminal illnesses take a toll on the social, economic, financial and emotional aspects of our lives. It affects not only people who are afflicted with it, but the family and closest friends as well. I guess the most unsettling part of my friend telling me  this was that he needed to know what was happening.  Why everything came so fast. Why it had to be him.  What are the treatment options? When was he going to die?

I sat there in silence, listening to him talk about the circumstances that led to him being diagnosed with the terminal illness.  He said that it all started as a tummy ache and took some medicines given out by the pharmacist in a local drug store.  But the pain never really went away.  He thought that his dieting was causing the dyspepsia and bloating and experienced some back pains a few months before this diagnosis.  He had not really taken these symptoms seriously.  After all, he was young, a frequent traveler, didn’t smoke and socially drank, a successful businessman with a beautiful family.  Too busy for anything, he sought my professional advice a few months later.  I told him that he needed to see a gastroenterologist.  The “tummy aches” and other symptoms needed a professional medical attention.  He was hesitant for a few weeks.  Busy, according to him.  Afraid, according to me.

What do you talk about when one comes face to face with death because of a terminal illness? How do you cope a rollercoaster of feelings? What do you talk about when one knows he/she is going to die?

I have no answer for these questions.  What I do know, however, is that it is difficult to face death alone. There is nothing in this world that will prepare us for the inevitable face-to-face meeting with death.  Whether it is like a thief in the night that takes someone you love suddenly, or it’s a lingering illness where suffering and pain make the journey towards dying something we look forward to – nothing prepares us to meet death.

Things we love, we will lose one day. Things we fear, we will face one day. God sometimes put us in the dark to prove He is the light. That’s why we should live life one day at a time.

I’ve often asked myself the question – what would we be willing to trade to see another sunrise or sunset? I searched my mind for a good reply but sadly found none.  Even if the journey is fraught with suffering and pain, many of us fight to have one last look at another day.

Life is a little jar of memories.

Fill it with people worth remembering.

Make it matter.

Cheater!

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Little Johnny watched his father’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.  Curious, he follows the car and sees his father and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, “Mom!! I was at the playground and saw dad’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.  I sneaked to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.  Then Aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…”

At this point his mom cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story.  Let’s save the rest of it for supper time.  I want to see the look on your father’s face when you tell it tonight!’

At the dinner table that evening, mom asked little Johnny to tell his story.  Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and saw dad’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.  I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off.  Then Aunt Jane and daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when daddy was out of town!”

(And that’s when the mom faints)

Moral of the story:

Sometimes you need to shut the f*ck up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

The popsicle

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A couple wanted to have sex but their son is in the house.  The only way they pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the house is to send him out on the front lawn with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot”, he shouts.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation!

“An ambulance just drove by…”

“Looks like our neighbours at the corner have company…”, he called out.

“Jose is riding a new bike!…”

“Looks like the old man a block down the road are moving…”

“Peter is on his skateboard…”

After a few moments he announced, “THE GARCIAS ARE HAVING SEX!”

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?”

“Juan Garcia is standing on the lawn of their house with a popsicle!”

The discipline

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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying:

All of you sons of bit*c*es who want to get off, get the hell off now coz this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass into the train, coz we’re going down the tracks!

The horrified mother went in and told her son

We don’t use that kind of language in this house.  Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS!

When you come out, you may play with your train.  But I want you to use nice language!!Do you understand young man?

Two hours later, the boy comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.  Soon the train stopped and the mother overheard her son saying:

All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.  We thank you for you traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

She smiles and hears her son continue:

For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your had luggage under your seat.  Remember, there is no smoking on the train.  We hope you all have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mom grins from ear to ear and is to walk out of the kitchen to the living room, her son finally says:

As for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOURS delay, please see the B*TCH in the kitchen!

Heaven or hell?

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A politician dies and ends up in front of St. Peter at the gates of heaven. St. Peter flips through his list and finds his name.

St. Peter: So you’re a politician…

Politician: Well yes. Is there a problem?

St. Peter: Oh no problem. We’ve adopted a new system for politicians. Unfortunately, you will need to spend one day in hell. After spending a day there, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!

Politician: Wait! I have to spend a day in hell?!

St. Peter: Those are the rules!

And St. Peter snaps his fingers and HOOMPH! The politician disappears. He awakes, curled up with his hands covering his eyes knowing he’s in hell. He cautiously listens for screams, and sniffs the air for brimstone.

But he didn’t. He smelled cotton candy. And fabric softener. And grass. And he heard a voice telling him to open his eyes and wake up.

After uncovering his eyes he sees himself in a hotel room. The penthouse suite to be exact. A man wearing a dapper suit holding a martini in one hand and smiling at him.

Politician: Who are you and where am I?

Satan: I am Satan. And welcome to hell! (And hands the man a glass of martini)

Politician: Wait! This is HELL?!? Where’s all the pain and suffering?

Satan: Oh! We’ve been misrepresented since the beginning of time. Anyway, this is your room. The mini bar is free as is room service. There are extra towels next to the jacuzzi. If you need anything, call reception. And since it’s a beautiful day outside, go out and enjoy the golf course surrounding this hotel.

There is a beach out there and the harbor can be reached by a private golf cart and you have your own yacht.

With Satan accompanying him on the tour around hell, the politician saw many of his colleagues and friends and acquaintances who had gone ahead of him in his lifetime, members of his family and finally, his wife who had passed away a year ago.

They headed to a baseball field where tens and thousands of people waited to greet him in grand style. Most of the people he knew. Some were business people whom he had shennanigan dealings during his lifetime. He knew all these would end up in hell!

He wines, dances, and spends the next 24 hours being treated like a king and living the same life (and more) as when he was still a mortal.

After the party, he had gone back to his penthouse suite accompanied by his wife and two other beautiful women and he has the best sex ever on a soft bed covered with Egyptian cotton. Tired, he fell into a deep sleep and was awoken by St. Peter.

St. Peter: So son, that was hell. Something you didn’t expect, I bet.

Politician: No sir.

St. Peter: Now you make your choice. It’s hell that you saw, or heaven where you get to talk to God, hear beautiful music everyday, and have angels be by your side in paradise each moment.

Politician: Well, I know this sounds strange, and not to put you down but it seems that Hell is a much better place to enjoy for eternity.

St. Peter: Not a problem. I totally I understand. Enjoy!

And with a click of a finger, the politician is transported back to where he came from.

This time the politician wakes up in total darkness.  The stench of ammonia fills the air and he can hear distant screams from afar.  As he adjusts his sight he can see the only light is from a flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean.  A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and coil of razor-wire in the other.

Politician: What is this?  Where is the hotel? Where’s my wife? Where’s the minibar and the golf course and the pool and the shopping arcade and the yacht? The free drinks and the sunshine? Where are they?!?!

Satan: YOU SEE, YESTERDAY, WE WERE CAMPAIGNING.  BUT TODAY, YOU VOTED.

The comeback lines

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Getting even doesn’t do justice when you’re at a verbal tiff with a troll, or an imbecile.  Here are some great comeback lines  (I’d like to think they are intelligent insults) that you might find useful in your day to day musings and encounters with the people still fighting a lost cause (you get what I mean).

  • OH. MY. GOD! IT SPOKE!!!
  • I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
  • Who pissed in your breakfast?
  • If I wanted a bitch, I would have bought a dog.
  • I’m sorry…was I supposed to be offended?
  • I would call you a retard but that would be insulting to retards.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • I would like to see things from your point of view.  But I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
  • You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
  • I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that!
  • I’d slap you, but that would be cruelty to animals.
  • It’s pointless to make fun of you because it will take you the rest of the day or your lifetime to figure it out.
  • Awwww…it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
  • Who let you out of your cage?
  • Somewhere out there, is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe!!! I think you owe it an apology!
  • Too bad your personality doesn’t match your face. 
  • It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote.
  • I’m sorry for hurting your feelings.  But I already thought you knew you were stupid.  Stupid.
  • 10,000,000 sperms and you were the fastest? Really?!
  • If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart!
  • Why don’t you check eBay or Lazada? Maybe they have a life for sale!
  • If I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I’d get change!
  • You only annoy me when you breathe!
  • Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick!
  • It’s kinda sad watching you attempt to fit your entire vocabulary into a sentence!
  • You fear success?!?! Dude, then you’ve really nothing to worry about!
  • Go ahead! Keep rolling your eyes!! Maybe you’ll find a brain back there!
  • I’m busy! You’re ugly! Have a nice day!
  • I neither have the time, nor the crayons to explain this to you!
  • The last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana!
  • Go ahead. Shock me! Say something intelligent!
  • You bring everyone a lot of joy when you leave the room!
  • You’re the reason why the gene pool needs a lifeguard!
  • You are living proof that God has a sense of humour!img_5912