A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying:

All of you sons of bit*c*es who want to get off, get the hell off now coz this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass into the train, coz we’re going down the tracks!

The horrified mother went in and told her son

We don’t use that kind of language in this house.  Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS!

When you come out, you may play with your train.  But I want you to use nice language!!Do you understand young man?

Two hours later, the boy comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.  Soon the train stopped and the mother overheard her son saying:

All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.  We thank you for you traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

She smiles and hears her son continue:

For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your had luggage under your seat.  Remember, there is no smoking on the train.  We hope you all have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mom grins from ear to ear and is to walk out of the kitchen to the living room, her son finally says:

As for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOURS delay, please see the B*TCH in the kitchen!

A politician dies and ends up in front of St. Peter at the gates of heaven. St. Peter flips through his list and finds his name.

St. Peter: So you’re a politician…

Politician: Well yes. Is there a problem?

St. Peter: Oh no problem. We’ve adopted a new system for politicians. Unfortunately, you will need to spend one day in hell. After spending a day there, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!

Politician: Wait! I have to spend a day in hell?!

St. Peter: Those are the rules!

And St. Peter snaps his fingers and HOOMPH! The politician disappears. He awakes, curled up with his hands covering his eyes knowing he’s in hell. He cautiously listens for screams, and sniffs the air for brimstone.

But he didn’t. He smelled cotton candy. And fabric softener. And grass. And he heard a voice telling him to open his eyes and wake up.

After uncovering his eyes he sees himself in a hotel room. The penthouse suite to be exact. A man wearing a dapper suit holding a martini in one hand and smiling at him.

Politician: Who are you and where am I?

Satan: I am Satan. And welcome to hell! (And hands the man a glass of martini)

Politician: Wait! This is HELL?!? Where’s all the pain and suffering?

Satan: Oh! We’ve been misrepresented since the beginning of time. Anyway, this is your room. The mini bar is free as is room service. There are extra towels next to the jacuzzi. If you need anything, call reception. And since it’s a beautiful day outside, go out and enjoy the golf course surrounding this hotel.

There is a beach out there and the harbor can be reached by a private golf cart and you have your own yacht.

With Satan accompanying him on the tour around hell, the politician saw many of his colleagues and friends and acquaintances who had gone ahead of him in his lifetime, members of his family and finally, his wife who had passed away a year ago.

They headed to a baseball field where tens and thousands of people waited to greet him in grand style. Most of the people he knew. Some were business people whom he had shennanigan dealings during his lifetime. He knew all these would end up in hell!

He wines, dances, and spends the next 24 hours being treated like a king and living the same life (and more) as when he was still a mortal.

After the party, he had gone back to his penthouse suite accompanied by his wife and two other beautiful women and he has the best sex ever on a soft bed covered with Egyptian cotton. Tired, he fell into a deep sleep and was awoken by St. Peter.

St. Peter: So son, that was hell. Something you didn’t expect, I bet.

Politician: No sir.

St. Peter: Now you make your choice. It’s hell that you saw, or heaven where you get to talk to God, hear beautiful music everyday, and have angels be by your side in paradise each moment.

Politician: Well, I know this sounds strange, and not to put you down but it seems that Hell is a much better place to enjoy for eternity.

St. Peter: Not a problem. I totally I understand. Enjoy!

And with a click of a finger, the politician is transported back to where he came from.

This time the politician wakes up in total darkness.  The stench of ammonia fills the air and he can hear distant screams from afar.  As he adjusts his sight he can see the only light is from a flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean.  A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and coil of razor-wire in the other.

Politician: What is this?  Where is the hotel? Where’s my wife? Where’s the minibar and the golf course and the pool and the shopping arcade and the yacht? The free drinks and the sunshine? Where are they?!?!

Satan: YOU SEE, YESTERDAY, WE WERE CAMPAIGNING.  BUT TODAY, YOU VOTED.

A friend of mine was sharing a “moment” with me.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  The passion begins to heat up and while we’re almost at it, she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it.  I just want to hold you. ”

I said, “WHAT THE FUCK?!?! What was that?!?!?”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear. “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled looked by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am an not what I do in the bedroom?”

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep nursing a painful erection.

The next day, I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her.  We went to a nice lunch in a fancy restaurant and then went shopping at a very posh department store.  I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.  She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all.  She was giggling with delight and seemed so happy.  As a matter of fact, it’s the happiest I have seen of her since we got engaged.  Then she said she wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes.  I replied, “let’s get a pair for each outfit!”

Then we went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.  Let me tell you, she was sooooo excited.  She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck.  I started to think that she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “that’s fine sweetheart.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all the excitement.  Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear.  Let’s go to the cashier!”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped and all the clothes and shoes and jewellery fell on the floor and she screamed with a baffled, “WHAT!?!?!?!”

I then said, “Honey, I just want to HOLD this stuff for awhile.  You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

And just stormed out of the store.

My friend wanted some advice about the incident.

I replied, “Apparently, you’re not having sex tonight or any night from now on.”

During a conversation, we’ve all had those one liners that stopped us dead on the tracks and left us with jaw dropping moments.

Here’s a few of them to get through your Sunday, and hope you have a good smile. [And yes, they’re dirty one-liners, so keep the kids out of this post.]

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Q: How does a woman scare a gynaecologist?

A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Q: What’s long and hard and cum in it?

A: A cuCUMber!!!

Q: Who was the world’s first carpenter?

A: Eve!! Because she made Adam’s banana stand!

Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in bed gasping for breath and calling your names?

A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?

A: Because their plugged into a genius!

Q: Give me three words to ruin a man’s ego!

A: IS IT IN?

Q: What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?

A: Where you put the cucumber!

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: Hey, that’s cute! But can you breath through it?

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?

A: Boobies!!!

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A: They don’t have balls to scratch!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

A: Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the WHOLE CHICKEN!

Two men visit a prostitute.  The first man goes into the bedroom.  He comes out ten minutes later and says, “My wife is better than that!” The second man goes in.  He comes out ten minutes later and says, “Hell, you know you’re right!!! YOUR WIFE IS BETTER!!”

Since I turned 60 a month ago, I’ve started using the privileges accorded being a senior citizen.  What better time to enjoy the fruits of being a “SEÑOR-ito”!!!

And like any parade, there will always be an event that literally “rains” on your parade.  With me, that “storm” is the management of the parking area at Westgate Center, Filinvest, Muntinlupa City.

I had lunch the other day at one of their restaurants there. The restaurant gladly accepted my identification card, which happened to be my driver’s license (which I recently renewed). On my way out of the parking area, the parking attendant refused to recognize my driver’s license as proof of my being a senior citizen! We exchanged a few questions and answers, but as all employees are, you will never win an argument with them.  I felt sad for her because I know she was just instructed to do as she was told – OR ELSE, it would be taken out of her pay check (which is against the law).  To cut the long story short, I asked for the contact number and name of her “boss”, which she graciously wrote down on a piece of paper, paid the parking fee and informed her that I would file a formal complaint.  I called the number 846-0268 loc. 5052 and was eventually told that Mr. Kelly Nyu, her immediate superior was in a meeting. The girl on the other line asked what it was about.  I explained.  She informed me that if I had a complaint, I was free to do so.  And so I wrote to the Office of Senior Citizen’s Affairs and hopefully, the OSCA in Muntinlupa take action.

As far as I know, as far as the law of the Republic of the Philippines is concerned, RA 9994, otherwise known as the “Expanded Senior Citizens Act of 2010” explicitly states that “in the availment of privileges, the senior citizen may submit as proof of his/her entitled thereto ANY of the following:”

1. an identification card issued by the OSCA of the place where the senior citizen resides: provided, that the identification card issued by the particular OSCA shall be honored NATIONWIDE;
2. the passport of the senior citizen concerned; AND
3. other documents that establish that the senior citizen is a citizen of the Republic and is at LEAST sixty (60) years of age as further provided in the implementing rules and regulations.

Article 5.5 of the IRR points out that the identification document as ANY DOCUMENT OR PROOF OF BEING A SENIOR CITIZEN which may be used for the availment of benefits and privileges under the act and its rules.  The valid documents shall include but not limit to the following government-issued identification documents indicating an elderly’s birthdate or age: DRIVER’S LICENSE, VOTER’S ID, SSS/GSIS CARD, PRC CARD, POSTAL ID.

Section 7 of the law proscribes that the Municipality/City has the responsibility to require ALL estabishments covered by this act to prominently display posters, stickers and other notices that will generate public awareness of the right and privileges of senior citizen and to ensure the the provision of this Act are implemented to its fullest.

The argument of the parking teller was that based on her “boss”, the city ordinance of Muntinlupa No. 17-050 states that parking fee exemptions for Senior Citizens and Persons with Disability shall be availed by a senior citizen and persons with disability driving  a vehicle or on board a private owned vehicle upon presentation of his/her valid senior citizen’s and persons with disability ID issued by ANY government agency/office.  The argument was that IF YOU DON’T HAVE THE SC/PWD ID, YOU CANNOT AVAIL OF THE FREE PARKING!

This self-interpretation of the law by the management of Filinvest Corporate City (I presume that it had the blessings from above, that is why the parking attendant was adamant at executing the order), so that greedy corporations like these can profit or skirt the issue of having to provide senior citizens what are due them is UNLAWFUL and should be PENALIZED.

Business establishments like these should not be allowed to get away with their “self-interpretation” of the law. Why does Alabang Town Center or Molito or SM Muntinlupa accept my driver’s license as evidence that I am both a senior citizen and a resident of the city? What makes Westgate Center at Filinvest an exception to the rule?

The Expanded Senior Citizen Law never intended to limit the identification document of senior citizens to just the senior citizen’s ID in order to avail of the benefits and privileges granted to them  It is a basic principle and must be remembered that in interpreting laws or statutes, words must be subservient to its intent, and not intent to the words.  The law was made for the purpose of granting seniors the privileges and benefits which they deserve.

I am writing this for all senior citizens that deserve to enjoy the benefits and privileges as stated in the law, without having to be harassed by corporations that want to bend laws for profit.

It’s not about the money.  It’s about what is in the LAW.  If Filinvest has any problem with the law, they should lobby through congressmen and the president regarding this provision. If Filinvest feels that they are making less money with their parking fees because of senior citizens and PWDs, they should just shut down their businesses.

Corporate greed mixed with interpreting the law to the benefit of the corporate profit is the greatest evil of mankind.