A friend of mine was sharing a “moment” with me.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  The passion begins to heat up and while we’re almost at it, she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it.  I just want to hold you. ”

I said, “WHAT THE FUCK?!?! What was that?!?!?”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear. “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled looked by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am an not what I do in the bedroom?”

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep nursing a painful erection.

The next day, I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her.  We went to a nice lunch in a fancy restaurant and then went shopping at a very posh department store.  I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.  She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all.  She was giggling with delight and seemed so happy.  As a matter of fact, it’s the happiest I have seen of her since we got engaged.  Then she said she wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes.  I replied, “let’s get a pair for each outfit!”

Then we went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.  Let me tell you, she was sooooo excited.  She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck.  I started to think that she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “that’s fine sweetheart.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all the excitement.  Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear.  Let’s go to the cashier!”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped and all the clothes and shoes and jewellery fell on the floor and she screamed with a baffled, “WHAT!?!?!?!”

I then said, “Honey, I just want to HOLD this stuff for awhile.  You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

And just stormed out of the store.

My friend wanted some advice about the incident.

I replied, “Apparently, you’re not having sex tonight or any night from now on.”

During a conversation, we’ve all had those one liners that stopped us dead on the tracks and left us with jaw dropping moments.

Here’s a few of them to get through your Sunday, and hope you have a good smile. [And yes, they’re dirty one-liners, so keep the kids out of this post.]

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Q: How does a woman scare a gynaecologist?

A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Q: What’s long and hard and cum in it?

A: A cuCUMber!!!

Q: Who was the world’s first carpenter?

A: Eve!! Because she made Adam’s banana stand!

Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in bed gasping for breath and calling your names?

A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?

A: Because their plugged into a genius!

Q: Give me three words to ruin a man’s ego!

A: IS IT IN?

Q: What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?

A: Where you put the cucumber!

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: Hey, that’s cute! But can you breath through it?

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?

A: Boobies!!!

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A: They don’t have balls to scratch!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

A: Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the WHOLE CHICKEN!

Two men visit a prostitute.  The first man goes into the bedroom.  He comes out ten minutes later and says, “My wife is better than that!” The second man goes in.  He comes out ten minutes later and says, “Hell, you know you’re right!!! YOUR WIFE IS BETTER!!”

Since I turned 60 a month ago, I’ve started using the privileges accorded being a senior citizen.  What better time to enjoy the fruits of being a “SEÑOR-ito”!!!

And like any parade, there will always be an event that literally “rains” on your parade.  With me, that “storm” is the management of the parking area at Westgate Center, Filinvest, Muntinlupa City.

I had lunch the other day at one of their restaurants there. The restaurant gladly accepted my identification card, which happened to be my driver’s license (which I recently renewed). On my way out of the parking area, the parking attendant refused to recognize my driver’s license as proof of my being a senior citizen! We exchanged a few questions and answers, but as all employees are, you will never win an argument with them.  I felt sad for her because I know she was just instructed to do as she was told – OR ELSE, it would be taken out of her pay check (which is against the law).  To cut the long story short, I asked for the contact number and name of her “boss”, which she graciously wrote down on a piece of paper, paid the parking fee and informed her that I would file a formal complaint.  I called the number 846-0268 loc. 5052 and was eventually told that Mr. Kelly Nyu, her immediate superior was in a meeting. The girl on the other line asked what it was about.  I explained.  She informed me that if I had a complaint, I was free to do so.  And so I wrote to the Office of Senior Citizen’s Affairs and hopefully, the OSCA in Muntinlupa take action.

As far as I know, as far as the law of the Republic of the Philippines is concerned, RA 9994, otherwise known as the “Expanded Senior Citizens Act of 2010” explicitly states that “in the availment of privileges, the senior citizen may submit as proof of his/her entitled thereto ANY of the following:”

1. an identification card issued by the OSCA of the place where the senior citizen resides: provided, that the identification card issued by the particular OSCA shall be honored NATIONWIDE;
2. the passport of the senior citizen concerned; AND
3. other documents that establish that the senior citizen is a citizen of the Republic and is at LEAST sixty (60) years of age as further provided in the implementing rules and regulations.

Article 5.5 of the IRR points out that the identification document as ANY DOCUMENT OR PROOF OF BEING A SENIOR CITIZEN which may be used for the availment of benefits and privileges under the act and its rules.  The valid documents shall include but not limit to the following government-issued identification documents indicating an elderly’s birthdate or age: DRIVER’S LICENSE, VOTER’S ID, SSS/GSIS CARD, PRC CARD, POSTAL ID.

Section 7 of the law proscribes that the Municipality/City has the responsibility to require ALL estabishments covered by this act to prominently display posters, stickers and other notices that will generate public awareness of the right and privileges of senior citizen and to ensure the the provision of this Act are implemented to its fullest.

The argument of the parking teller was that based on her “boss”, the city ordinance of Muntinlupa No. 17-050 states that parking fee exemptions for Senior Citizens and Persons with Disability shall be availed by a senior citizen and persons with disability driving  a vehicle or on board a private owned vehicle upon presentation of his/her valid senior citizen’s and persons with disability ID issued by ANY government agency/office.  The argument was that IF YOU DON’T HAVE THE SC/PWD ID, YOU CANNOT AVAIL OF THE FREE PARKING!

This self-interpretation of the law by the management of Filinvest Corporate City (I presume that it had the blessings from above, that is why the parking attendant was adamant at executing the order), so that greedy corporations like these can profit or skirt the issue of having to provide senior citizens what are due them is UNLAWFUL and should be PENALIZED.

Business establishments like these should not be allowed to get away with their “self-interpretation” of the law. Why does Alabang Town Center or Molito or SM Muntinlupa accept my driver’s license as evidence that I am both a senior citizen and a resident of the city? What makes Westgate Center at Filinvest an exception to the rule?

The Expanded Senior Citizen Law never intended to limit the identification document of senior citizens to just the senior citizen’s ID in order to avail of the benefits and privileges granted to them  It is a basic principle and must be remembered that in interpreting laws or statutes, words must be subservient to its intent, and not intent to the words.  The law was made for the purpose of granting seniors the privileges and benefits which they deserve.

I am writing this for all senior citizens that deserve to enjoy the benefits and privileges as stated in the law, without having to be harassed by corporations that want to bend laws for profit.

It’s not about the money.  It’s about what is in the LAW.  If Filinvest has any problem with the law, they should lobby through congressmen and the president regarding this provision. If Filinvest feels that they are making less money with their parking fees because of senior citizens and PWDs, they should just shut down their businesses.

Corporate greed mixed with interpreting the law to the benefit of the corporate profit is the greatest evil of mankind.

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: GET THEIR PARENTS TO TELL THEM A STORY WITH A MORAL AT THE END OF IT.

The following day, the kids came back and began to tell their stories…

Susie said, “We live in a farm and I was collecting eggs from the hen house one day.  I gathered the eggs, put them in my basket and ran towards the house.  While running, I tripped over a rock and smashed all of the eggs.”

“So what’s the moral of the story Susie?”, asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket”, answered Susie.

Next, it was Ricky’s turn to go.

“We also live on a farm,” said Ricky.  “We have incubators to help our eggs hatch.  One night there was a thunderstorm and lightning knocked out the power to the incubators.”

“So what’s the moral of that story Ricky?”, asked the teacher.

“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch,” said Ricky.

The teacher then turned to Janice.  “Janice, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am.  My daddy told me a story about mommy.  She was a marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break.  Then her parachute landed in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.  She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets.  Then she killed four more with with knife till the blade broke and then killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

“Good heavens!,” said the horrified teacher.  “What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“He said, don’t mess with mommy when she’s been drinking!”